How can I ensure my child feels loved?

Every human gives and receives love in different ways.  The same is true of children.   Gary Chapman wrote a book entitled The Five Love Languages of Children.  In it he describes 5 different languages or ways we humans can give and receive love.  Quality time, physical touch, acts of service, giving/receiving gifts and words of encouragement.   It is very common for a parent to try to communicate love to a child in a way that the child can’t understand just as I would understand very little if you spoke to me in German. 

If you as a mom express love to your family by keeping the house clean and you wonder why your 14 year old son does not appreciate it, consider it might be because it is not a way he CAN feel love.  If he feels loved through words of encouragement rather than acts of service, the efforts you make to show love though cleaning will not be “heard.”  Instead try telling him how proud you are of the things he is accomplishing and make an effort to show you care through your words.  

 If you are the type of father that really takes the time to explain why you think your daughter is amazing but she never seems to respond perhaps it is because her love language is quality time instead of words of encouragement.  What she really needs is for you to spend 30 minutes a day with her where she has your full attention. 

To find your child’s “love language” all you really need to do is think about the way he or she responds when you give a hug, a complement, a gift, spend time one on one or do something for him or her.  If your child loves to be given comforting back rubs, there is a good chance physical touch is one of her love languages.  If your child enthusiastically receives a gift from you and then spends every moment for the next week with that gift, he probably feels loved through receiving gifts. 

Remember that a person can have a very different way of giving love than receiving love.  If your child loves making you gifts, that may not be the way he or she receives love.  Young children are still developing their “love language.”  If you want your child to grow to be an adult who is able to receive love in many different ways, the best thing to do is to show him or her your love in all 5 of the languages.

Why does parenting seem harder than it used to be?

Parenting was never meant to be a one or two person job.  If you look at the history of parenting you will see that it used to be done by the whole community.  The old proverb “It takes a village to raise a child” really is true. 

Parents need support in order to stay sane and not feel tired and neglected.  It seems like in the last 100 years or so the support has dwindled more and more.  We started with the support from the community or “village” then moved to it being a family matter.  That family included included aunts, uncles, grandparents and cousins.  The next stage of parenting was the nuclear family – which some are still lucky enough to have.  This means that you have one parent that works full time and one that is home full time.  Today’s families are very different.  Most families are either single parent homes or both parents work full time with extended family living far away and community at a distance. 

This is not a commentary on what kind of family you have and I am by no means suggesting that you should quit your job to stay home or move closer to your family so they can help.  I am just saying that as parents we need to recognize that our children’s needs are important but they are not more important than OUR own needs.  At times our children’s needs might be more immediate but we must stop neglecting our own need for community, support and relaxation. 

Here are a few things anyone can do to begin to build up the support you need.

• Make a list of people that you can call on for support 
• Make a list of people that you could begin to build relationships with.  Then talk to them. 

o   Maybe it’s another family that has similar parenting styles as you.  You could swap nights out with them.  You take their kids once a month and they take your kids.

o   Maybe there is a 10 year old down the street that would make a great mommy or daddy helper.  You could pay them a little to come and “play” with your kids while you rest and relax in your own home for a few hours. 

o   Maybe you have a friend that loves kids but does not have any of their own and would like to make some kind of swap with them so you can get away for a few hours. 

The important thing is to recognize that you need some time to yourself and as a couple so that you are at your best for your children.  Constantly running on empty will not help your child in any way.  Find something that refresh and rejuvenates you and remember that when our own needs are screaming at us it is very hard to hear our children’s needs. 

My child is so bossy. What can I do?

I have never met an older child that did not in some ways boss around his or her younger siblings.  It is a natural and in some ways healthy activity for older children to do.  Your older child is trying his or her best to understand and relate to the world around as well has younger siblings.  Bossiness often is a result of that.  

However, when you have a child that is constantly barking orders at and demanding that brothers and sisters do what they are told, it is important to teach your child how to treat others.  The first place you look at is yourself.  

Children ALWAYS mimic and imitate what they see adults doing.  If your child has experienced a lot of “bossiness” from mom, dad or other caregivers, it is likely that he or she is going to pick up these habits.  Children are amazing mirrors to our own bad habits and issues.  If you examine yourself and find that you often times give too many orders to your children, begin to change the way you talk with them. 

This is much easier to say than to do.  Once you are aware of this you will begin to catch yourself giving commands and orders.  Do your best in those moments to stop and rephrase what you have just said.  “Pick up your shoes!” becomes “Allie, could you please pick up your shoes?”  After a while of consistently stopping yourself after you blurt out the command, you will begin to hear yourself mid sentence.  Then you will begin to stop yourself just as you are giving the order. Eventually you will naturally ask in a kind way. 

There are going to be times as a parent that asking a question is not appropriate, because asking a questions means that your child’s answer can be NO.  When this is the case use one of the two following phrases.  “Let’s pick up your shoes together.”  This is obviously when there is an activity you will be doing together.  You can also use the phrase “I need you to pick up your shoes.”  Use of the word “I” shows that you understand that picking up the shoes is not something your child has a need to do but is something you, the parent or caregiver needs. 

If you have examined yourself and find that you already ask your child to do things and you do not “boss” her around, there are a few other things to look at.  She might be picking up on you talking to other people in that manner or even talking to pets that way.  Children see the world very different than us and it is important to look at it from their perspective. 

Older children are often given more responsibilities in and around the house.  This is often times a necessity, and it can be beneficial for both you and your child.  It allows you to have a little help and it gives your child new experiences and self-esteem.  However, in your child’s mind that elevated responsibility needs to come with more control.  So if you are giving your child extra responsibilities around the house, he or she also need to have more control over what happens in life.  If your child is not given more control, he or she will begin to take it.  One way that happens is through bossing younger siblings. 

Why does my child flip out after a fun day?

Picture this: you, your spouse and your three children have just spent the entire day at the funnest place you know of, Six Flags.  All three of your children ten, seven and five have admitted to having a great time and they have all been really well behaved too.  No arguments, no sibling issues, a wonderful day had by all. Your children did not even argue about leaving, which amazed you.  You are patting yourself on the back thinking a perfect day with the perfect family. Then suddenly screams erupt.  The ten year old hit the seven year old and the five year old is trying to take the toy that the seven-year old won.  Why did this happen?  Well there may be a few reasons.


Your children simply may be over tired and over stimulated.   Every parent knows that a toddler who is over tired is more likely to have a temper tantrum.  This is also true for older children.  When exhaustion sets in, it becomes very difficult to keep the emotions from coming forward.  The smallest, seemingly insignificant thing can set your children off.

Hunger or thirst might be another reason your children are acting up.  Even if they have just eaten, a long exhausting day can take a lot out of a child.  They may not realize how much they want to eat or drink until they get into a quiet car and start to think about it.  If your children are used to eating healthy food and then have a day where they eat “junk food” and sugary snacks, their bodies might be calling out for the good food they normally eat.


However, there is another reason your children flip out after a fun-filled family day.  By spending that family time together you have provided your children a safe place to let their emotions out.  Spending a day at an amusement park or any other fun-filled time all together, builds bonds.  These bonds make your children feel safe.  When your children feel safe, they are more likely to let their emotions and frustrations out.   It is a very good thing for your child to be allowed to release those emotions.  They just never seem to do it when it is convenient for us.  But then again, when is that ever convenient?

If you want to avoid complete meltdowns in your young children, try limiting the time there or planning the event so that they can take a rest. Make sure they stay well hydrated and bring some foods they are used to eating.  The biggest way to avoid these big meltdowns after family fun days is to allow your children to express anger and frustration to you every day.  If you allow them to get out their emotions every day, it will be less likely to build up and “explode” during or after these special days. 

How can I get my child to cooperate when it's time to go?

Imagine you are at a dinner party with your spouse. You are talking with some friends you have not seen for a while and you are having a great time catching up with them. Suddenly your spouse walks over to you and says “It’s time to go, get your stuff, I am going to the car.” What would your reaction be? It would most likely not be a positive one.

This is a lot like what we expect out of our children every day. Whether it is a trip to the park or time spent at home, our children become engrossed in their play time. Their imaginations are constantly running. For us to break that flow of creativity to tell them it’s time to go somewhere they have no choice in or control over is a lot like your spouse telling you to leave a party you are enjoying.

Children, like most adults, need to be given some warning of what is to come. They may not completely understand what “5 more minutes” feels like, but giving them some warning that the time to end the “game” is coming can make that disappointment a bit more manageable.

If when at that dinner party, your spouse were to instead come up to you quietly and say “I am going to be ready to leave in 5 minutes,” would your reaction be more pleasant. You would be given the chance finish your conversation and say goodbye to those you needed to say goodbye to.

It is also a good idea to prepare your child for what is to come in the day. Over breakfast you can say “today we have to go to the bank, get groceries and mail the present to Grandpa. After that we can go to the library for story time.” This is a lot like you and your spouse discussing how long you are planning on staying at the dinner party. It gives your children a map of the day and lets them see what is coming.

Giving your children some choices in the day’s activities can also help make the transition a little easier. If you are running errands, give them the list of what needs to be done and ask them what they want to do first.

Sometimes we adults don’t understand the importance of play so make sure you build plenty of play time into your day. Perhaps if you were to spend some play time with your children at the beginning of the day, they would be emotionally ready for the busy day ahead.

Children who are over-tired or over-stimulated are more likely to fight against transition. Avoid letting your child get to this point. Watch how many things you try to cram into your day. Remember that we adults get cranky too when we are tired.

How should I respond when my children fight?

When your children are fighting and bickering, as a parent your instinct is to run and fix the problem or separate them. This is your first reaction because you believe that it is your job to teach them not to fight with people. This is a noble and proper goal, but fixing the problem does not teach your children to get along. It teaches them that fighting with each other gets them attention. Generally the loudest yeller gets heard the most. This means that you are also teaching your children to scream loud and tattle on their siblings.

The best thing you can do for your own sanity and for your children when they are fighting is to step back and let them work it out. As a parent and nanny I know this is next to impossible. It is hard to listen to the yelling and often times your children ask you to get involved. However, if you want your children to learn to not fight, you need to let them work it out on their own whenever you possibly can.

The exception to this rule is in the event of physical violence. When things get physical, respond the way you would if one of your children hit another child outside of the family. Let them know that it is okay to use your words to get a point across to someone else but that hitting, punching, biting or pushing is not acceptable.

One or both of your children may try to drag you into the argument. When this tattling happens tell them both “I know you and your sister can work out the problem together. I believe you can do it”. This statement helps in a few ways. One, it allows you to respond to their request but does not involve you in the situation. Two, it empowers them to come up with a solution. By saying “I believe you can work it out” you are expressing the confidence you have in their abilities and giving them the little push they need to be creative and come up with a resolution.

If the child that started the argument is the one that attempts to drag you into it, there is a good chance it is because that child is feeling disconnected from you. It may be time to have a little “special” time with him or her. I have stated in the blog post “How can I stop Sibling Rivalry” that often times siblings fighting with each other is a sign they need time to connect with their parents or caregivers. When you notice an increase in the bickering make note of how much personal attention you have given each of your children. It may be time to spend a little extra time with that child.

Constantly separating your children from each other will never teach them how to work together. Working with other people is such an important lesson to learn. It will help them in school, playing with others and eventually help them into adult hood. If your children argue and always have someone come and mediate the situation, they will not learn how to compromise and get along on their own.

This is tough and there will always be times that you use your best judgment as a loving parent and intervene during your children’s quarrel. However, taking a step back and allowing them to attempt to work things out is going to be the best thing for them in the end.

How can I stop sibling rivalry?

If you have more than one child, sibling rivalry is inevitable.  Sorry to break the news, but it is.  Most parents see only the negative side of sibling rivalry; however; it can be a good thing too.  Human relationships grow closer through strife.  When I argue with my husband or a friend, the process of working through our disagreement brings us closer together.  Children need to be given the opportunity to learn to work out disagreements with people in their life and the place they begin to do this is at home with brothers and sisters. 

These arguments can range from not sharing a toy to screaming and punching.  As a parents we worry that our children will really hurt each other, both physically and emotionally.  Though completely stopping sibling rivalry is not possible, there are a few things you can do to help manage it. 

Sibling rivalry starts pretty much the moment a new child enters the house.  The way you introduce your new child to your older children can make a big difference.  As you talk to your older children, tell them what it will be like to have a new brother or sister.  Let your children know a few ways they can help the new child.  Be sure to say that you have enough love to go around.  Warning them that you will need to spend time with the new child will help prepare them for the transition.  Reassure them that you will always make time for them too.

This individual time with each child is going to be one of the most important ways you curb the disagreements between your children.   Spending individual time with each of your children will work to meet the emotional needs they have for connection.  As you meet your children's need to be with you, they will have less need to lash out at his siblings.  

One mistake parents frequently make is believing that being fair to their children means you treat them exactly the same.  Each one of your children has different things they are good at and things they struggle with.  Giving them the same treatment can actually work to drive a wedge between them and cause more arguments.  On the surface it seems like the opposite would be true, having uneven rules and rewards would cause your children to be jealous that the other child is “allowed” to do something that they are not.  

It all goes back to the emotional needs of your children being met.  If your child senses that he is being recognized and celebrated for the things he is good at and given extra help in the areas he is not, he will be less likely to feel the need to argue and fight with his siblings.   There will always be rules everyone has to follow, but it is important to look at the individual child’s gifts and problems.  

Look back next week for some tips on how to respond when your children fight.