Holidays are coming up, how can I make them less stressful?

It seems like every year we go from mid November through to the beginning of January on autopilot.  There are family functions and parties involving way too much candy and food and WAY too much stress.  We tell ourselves every year that this year will be different.  By the time January 4^th rolls around we are exhausted, stressed and feel like we need another vacation.  How about we give it another try?  Here are a few tips to make this holiday season more memorable and enjoyable for both you and your children.

1.             Make commitments wisely.  During the holidays, everyone wants a piece of you.  There are so many fun events and parties, but don’t forget that YOU get to make the decisions about what you will do and who you will be with.  Take a minute to think about past holidays.  Of all the parties and events that come up, which ones did you enjoy?  Talk with your spouse or significant other and even your children about the activities that they love to do, the ones that really bring the joy of the season for you.  Separate them from the activities that just added stress and frustration to your lives.  Decide together what celebrations you will attend.  Say no to the rest and try hard not to feel guilty about the rest.  It will be a challenge to STICK TO IT but keep remembering you get to choose. 

2.            Holiday cards for some are a headache.  Lots of people are now sending e-holiday cards.  These are a great option for some people and can even be sent personalized.  However for some that just does not feel right.  I remember every year my mother (who was a teacher) did not finish our Christmas cards until after New Years.  Why not make that the plan. These days a lot of people are opting for New Years Cards instead of Christmas, Hanukah or Kwanza cards.  That way it is one (or 200) fewer things you need to do in the middle of shopping, baking, cooking, cleaning and partying.  Maybe it can be one of the things you work on when your children are enraptured by their new presents (for the whole day that that lasts.)

3.            Consider using some of this new found time to give back to other people.  Maybe you know of a needy family you could bless with extra gifts.  You could take advantage of the many charities that help the underprivileged this time of year.  Maybe it is a family friend that you know has been struggling lately and you show up with a big meal and some company.  Whatever it is, you will be amazed at the seasonal joy giving to others will give you. 

4.            Gifts can drive person nuts.  For me, I am always terrified that I will miss someone.  I have the recurring dream this time of year that someone shows up at my door with a gift and I have nothing to give them.  The first step here is to take a breath and realize that your friend or neighbor is giving you a gift because they want to and are NOT expecting anything in return.  If this continues to be something you worry about it is pretty easy to prepare some small “universal” gifts for such occasions.  Maybe you make a trip to the store and get some premade cookies or chocolates.  Keep them in the freezer or fridge ready to go in case someone surprises you with a gift and you want to return the favor.  One of my favorite things to do is bake my own “family” cookies.  I always make extra for these occasions. 

5.             It is amazing how we adults can make things so very complicated and children have a way of simplifying everything for us.  If you think about your childhood or ask your child to think about the holidays they remember, you might be surprised to find that they things they remember the most are the simple ones.  Like taking a drive or walking around to look at all the holiday lights.  Or helping make cookies that ended up burning.  Remember that of all the things you do this season what your children will remember the most are the attitudes and atmosphere that surround them.  They will remember snuggling on the couch watching a Christmas movie more than they will remember how perfect the tree and decorations were.

 Don’t try to do it all, do what is fun and forget the rest.  You will find yourself on January 4^th a happier and healthier person for it. 

Families Grown through Adoption: Private Adoption

Over the last month I have been re-posting articles that I originally wrote for Regarding Nannies website this summer.  I encourage you to check out their great ideas for working with children. 

Today I am continuing my discussion about methods of adoption with Private Adoptions.

Private adoption is any adoption in the USA that utilizes an adoption agency.  Sometimes the adoptive family finds the birth family on their own and simply uses the agency for the legalities of it all and sometimes the adoptive family works through the entire process with the agency.  If you are an adoptive family that found a birth family on your own, it is also possible to use a private lawyer.  I still consider that a Private adoption.  

This type of adoption has a lot of benefits.  Like a foreign adoption, you are working with a group of people that know what they are doing and are able to help you through every part of the process.  After the application and home study is complete, the adoptive family puts together a portfolio that tells their story.  This is what birth mom’s will look at to make the biggest decision of her life – whose family her baby will go to.  Once this portfolio is complete, adoptive families have nothing to do but wait for a birth mother to make the life altering decision.  This can take weeks to months and even years.  

Then again it could happen in the blink of an eye like it did for Valerie and Will.  They learned through someone they knew, of a baby that was 3 days old.  They had to work through 6 months of applications and home studies in 2 days so they could fly to meet their baby girl.  For this adoption everything went well.  Their second adoption did not go as smoothly but they now have two beautiful children Debra-Jane and Sam.  

Domestic private adoption is a more doable price.  It can cost anywhere from $12,000 to 20,000, which certainly isn’t free, but is not as steep as the foreign adoption.  Most of this cost can be recouped eventually with the tax incentive I talked about last Thursday from the US government.  This fact makes private adoption a real possibility for a lot of families. 

So once a birth mother chooses an adoptive family, things move forward.  However there are still some potential bumps in the road.  At any moment, even up until 2 days after the birth of the child, the birth mother has the right to change her mind and keep the baby.  This has broken the hearts of a good number of families including Robin and Scott.  They had been chosen by an adoptive mom and flown to Georgia to be present for the birth.  They spent 2 days with the little baby girl that had been promised to them only to have the birth mom change her mind just before signing the necessary paperwork.  Scott and Robin had to fly home empty handed, save the car seat and all the supplies they had bought thinking they would be flying home with a newborn baby.  The good news here is that a few months later they got a call that there was another birth mom that had chosen them.  This time all worked out well and they now have two beautiful children – Ella and Emmett. 

Another possible distraction is if the birth father is not willing to give up parental rights.  This can potentially stop the entire adoption but will at least cause things to drag on longer and make things more expensive because an additional lawyer needs to be paid for by the adoptive families. This happened to Steve and Jennifer with their first child.  It meant that they were not able to bring him home for almost 2 months due to a court hearing to legally terminate the parental rights.  They were eventually able to bring him home and now have 2 wonderful children; Josiah and Sam. 

Next method of adoption is Public Adoption, the method my husband and I choose.  

Check out the other adoption artcles:

Previous

Families grown through adoption: BOOKS

Families grown through foreign adoption

Later


Families grown through public adoption

Families grown through adoption: TIPS

How can I encourage my child to play with other children?

Some children are naturally drawn to other children.  They thrive on the energy of people around and even at times act out when they do not get the interaction.  Other children prefer to be alone in their play.  This is natural and nothing to be concerned about.  After all, adults are the same way.  Some of us are introverts and some of us are extroverts.  However, it is important for our children to learn to play with other children to some degree.  After all this “play” will teach the child to “work” with other adults as they grow.  The Lego tower that is built today may become the skyscraper of tomorrow.  The compromising, accepting and collaborating tools that children learn by playing are invaluable to them as adults. 

For those children that do not thrive on the energy other children bring, there is a level of persuading that might need to be done.  Most lessons can be learned by children through a model.  That is where you can start.  During your play time with your child, work on modeling these actions.  Don’t just tell your child what to do, but collaborate with him.  Ask questions that will lead him to the right answers, let him make mistakes in what he is doing.  Don’t just give in and “do” whatever he wants to do, but work with him to negotiate.  Make it clear that there are some events that happen in the play time that you are not completely pleased with, but that you are willing to accept these things and move on. 

The next step comes in groups of children.  Begin by playing with your child as he plays with others.  Avoid phrases like” go play with them” or “why don’t you want to play with them?”  Instead use phrases like “Let’s go see what those kids are doing,” “I wonder if she wants some help with that?” and “He looks like he might want someone to swing with.”    Go over to the group with your child and sit down.  He might need some direction like “maybe you could help him fill up his pail with sand” or “what if you helped him climb up the ladder?”

These phrases will make your child think and imagine what it would be like to engage with other children.  As your child begins to interact don’t immediately walk away.  He might suddenly get nervous and come to you for more guidance.  If your child expresses fear of playing with the other children, validate the feeling. You can even talk about how sometimes you are nervous to talk to other grownups too.  “Sometimes I get afraid of talking and working with people I don’t know, too.  It is hard to be brave enough to play with someone you don’t know.  You might wonder sometimes if they will like you or what you say.  But I believe you are brave enough to do it.  And if you don’t like playing with them after a while, you can always go play by yourself again.”

Don’t push your child into it.  This will only cause him to try and run.  Be present in the play as long as your child needs you to.  Express your understanding of the fear but also your trust in his ability to learn to play with others.  By doing this consistently your child will have the courage to play with new people and eventually will not need you by his side. 

Families Grown through Adoption; Foreign Adoption

Two weeks ago I re-posted the first part of an article I wrote for Regarding Nannies sharing some favorite books about adoption for children.  Today I am continuing to re-post that series.  I highly recommend checking out Regarding Nannies web site for great tips and ideas for nannies and parents.  

Over the next few weeks I hope to give you a better understanding of why families choose adoption, an explanation of the types of adoption, some real life stories and tips to help nannies support the families of adoption better.  

There are many reasons a family might choose adoption.   Some families have spent years trying to conceive and found adoption a last effort to have children.  For some families biological conception was never an option.  Some families are able to conceive, may even have biological children but found adoption as another way to grow their family and fill a need.  Whatever the motivation for adoption, when the family makes the decision to adopt, they then need to decide what method and form of adoption they will choose.

There are three basic “methods” of adoption; foreign, private and public.  There are also a three “forms” adoption can take; open, semi-open and closed.  Before we discuss the method it is important to understand the forms adoption can take.  

When a family has an open adoption it means that the child has regular contact with someone in his or her birth family.  If a family has a semi-open adoption the child does not have direct contact with the birth family however pictures, updates and sometimes even letters are sent to the birth family through a third party like the adoption agency.  This is intended to continue contact between parties so if the child and birth family choose at some point, a reconnection can occur.  In most places this legally cannot happen until the child is 18 and the birth parent must also be willing to meet.  Often times in semi-open adoptions the connection is lost at some point due to moving or change of heart.  

Closed adoptions occur when the adoptive family has no contact with the birth family.  This normally happens by choice of the birth parents.  It is important to note that in most states once a child is officially adopted, it is up the discretion of the adoptive family to make the choice whether the “open” status will continue and to what degree.  If an adoptive family notes that it is harming the child to have contact with his or her birth family, they can pull back the amount of visitation or cancel it all together.  However, if possible it is often in the best interest of the child to continue some form of openness.  

The first method of adoption we will talk about is foreign adoptions.  These are families that adopt from somewhere outside of the USA.  Every family making the decision to adopt from outside the country does so for different reasons.  Often times families want to know that once the child is here in the states with them, there is no way he or she can be taken away.  Adoptive parents may also not want the stress that can come from dealing with birth families.  

Though be benefits are great, there are also disadvantages to foreign adoption.  First is the cost.  It can be upwards of $40,000.  The US government offers a nice incentive to adopt, about $12,000 in tax rebates over the following 3 years after the adoption is finalized, but that still leaves the family with a $20,000 + bill.  This option is out of reach for many families.  

Another drawback is lack of information, like birth families' medical histories.  Of course this can occur in any type of adoption where the birth parents are unknown but is more likely to happen in a foreign adoption.  The lack of a medical history can prove to be challenging when trying to diagnose sickness, allergies or diseases.  Often adoptive families have to assume their child has everything in his or her family medical history.  

Adoption is a long process, but foreign adoption can seem like an eternity.  Often times a family will take months to go through the application, home study and be chosen to adopt a child, only to wait again to get to see the child.  Issues can arise like a particular country suddenly being closed to adoption.  This is what happened with Chris and Mike.  After they learned they had been chosen to adopt twin boys from Russia and had seen pictures of them.  Suddenly Russia put all adoptions on hold.  With no idea whether or not they would open anytime soon, Chris and Mike needed to make a difficult decision.  Would they stay the course and pray that Russia opened soon or would they move on and try to adopt from another country.  Chris and Mike chose to stay the course and their boys; Caleb and Josh, are now 12 years old!

Another downside to foreign adoption is that teens go through a period of “finding themselves.”  Adopted teens may want to know more about their heritage, roots and birth families.  There are many programs that can help children learn about the culture of their birth land, but often learning anything about birth families is difficult if not impossible.  This could add to the teenage nature of “rebelling.”  For Sherri and Stacy this is a real concern for her now 8 year old daughter adopted from China. Elizabeth was left on the steps of the orphanage when she was just a day old.  They have no information to console her with but the clothes she was left in and their understanding of the social climate that led to her surrender.  Sherri feels it is a double edged sword and she wonders how her daughter will deal with when she is older.  

Check out the other articles on adoptions:

Previous:

Families grown through adoption: BOOKS

 Later
Families grown through private adoption

Families grown through public adoption

Families grown through adoption: TIPS

Should I lie down in my child's bed at night?

Every family is unique.  This is never more true than when it come to sleeping arrangements.  While some of your families have no issue with what is called a “family bed” (children sleeping in the same bed with their parents while they are young) it will just not work for others.  For those that find it difficult to get a good night of rest with their children in the bed or for parents that simply need their own space, bed time can be a nightmare when your child refuses to go to sleep. The pleading “Snuggle with me mommy” can be hard to refuse.  When it happens, the last thing you want to do is ignore the request for love and positive attention.  Beware, it is very easy to fall into the habit of sleeping in your child’s bed and is one of the more difficult habits to break your child of.  Once your child becomes accustomed to falling asleep with you next to her, she will have a hard time going to bed without you.  

Unless you are okay with this becoming a long term event, I strongly advise parents to not ever fall asleep with your child in bed.  There are authentic needs your child might have (fear, sickness, overwhelmed or sadness) so don’t disregard your child’s desire for connection with your through these means.  However, there are many alternatives to sleeping with your child in those moments where she needs you. 

You could put a chair next to her bed and sing songs, read a book or be silent as she starts to drift off to sleep.  I like to keep a reclining chair in my children’s bedroom so that we can snuggle together without being in her bed.  For a short period of time, you could snuggle with your child in YOUR bed.  Snuggling in mommy or daddy’s bed is a very special treat at our house but also needs to be used with caution. 

Whichever technique you use, it is important that you leave the room before your child falls asleep.  This is important because if you leave the room after she is asleep, she most likely wake in the middle of the night expecting you to be there.  Even if you verbally tell her you plan to leave the room when she falls asleep, she will be looking for you.  In most children this will cause an alarmed feeling.  She may eventually remember that you told her you would leave when she fell asleep but the damage is done.  She is now awake and will remember only the panicked feeling she had about it.  So the next night when you go to put her to bed she will be even more insistent that you stay in her room.  You now have a bad night time cycle.  She wants you to stay with her, you stay until she is asleep, you leave when she falls asleep, she wakes to find you gone and then next night remembers the feeling of you not being there with her, so she wants you to say with her……..

By giving your child extra night time attention before she is asleep without sleeping in her bed  you are meeting her need to connect with you and making her feel safe.

Families Grown through Adoption: Books

From “Bragelina” to the family next door, adoption is everywhere these days.  I recently wrote a series of articles for Regarding Nannies on the topic.  These blog posts are reprinted from there.  I highly encourage you to check out their website.  It is chock-full of great tips for not only nannies but any parent!!  

It is very common for a nanny to work for a family that has adopted or is in the process of adopting a child.  Being a nanny and adoptive mom myself, I have a unique view of it.  In the next few weeks I will be sharing a little of my experience as well as the experience of a few other nannies, hoping to help you – my nanny friends understand the motivation behind adoption and learn some ways you can better support the adoptive families you might work for.  

Books are a great way to introduce children to new ideas and events without ever having to experience them.  I love to take a trip to the library every time my children and charges begin to explore something and pick up a few books on the topic.  It has helped many children in my charge transition to new things.  

Naturally I find books are a fantastic way to help children understand adoption to be both normal and wonderful.  Very young children will not understand there is anything different or unique about being adopted but as he or she grows and sees other families, they might start to wonder and ask questions.   Children’s books range from helping with single families, multiracial families, same-sex parents, international and foster families.  The books listed below are just a few of my personal favorites and the favorites of a few adoptive parents and nannies I talked with.  I hope you find them helpful.  

A Mother for Choco by Keiko Kasza – good for single parents and inter-racial families - my personal favorite (ages 4-8)

God Found us You by Lisa Tawn Bergren and Laura J. Bryant  - good for closed adoptions and religious - another favorite of mine (ages 4-8)

Over the Moon by Karen Katz – good for foreign adoptions (ages 2-4)

I Love You Like Crazy Cakes by Rose A Lewis and Jane Dyer – good for foreign adoption (ages 2-4)

Just in Case You Ever Wonder by Max Lucado – not specifically for adoption but is universal and religious (ages 4-8)

You are My I Love You by Maryann K. Cusimano- not specifically for adoption but is universal (ages 4-8)

Did My First Mother Love Me by Kathryn Ann Miller- good for children that begin to ask questions about adoption (ages 5-10)  

Shaoey and Dot by Steven Curtis and Mary Beth Chapman – good for foreign adoption and religious (ages 4-8)

Shades of Black by Sandra L. and Myles C Pinkney- not about adoption but good for white parents with children with darker skin (ages 4-10)

Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born by Jamie Lee Curtis – not specifically for aboption but works well (ages 2 -4)

Ten Little Fingers and Ten Little Toes by by Mem Fox and Helen Oxenbury – not specifically about adoption but works well (ages 4-8)

A Personal Touch of Adoption collected by Berlin Peter - collection of stories about real adoptions (ages 4-12)

Tango Makes Three by Justin Richardson and Peter Parnell – good for same sex couples (ages 3-8)

Wherever You Are, My Love Will Find You by Nancy Tillman – good for children in foster care (ages 4-8)

I don’t have many suggestions of books for teens and young adults about dealing with the stress they have so please feel free to comment on the post if you do!!!

Even if you don’t work for or have a family grown through adoption these are great books to check out. All children would do well to understand adoption a little better.  I hope you take a trip to the library and find some of your favorites.  

Check out the next posts about Adoption
 

Families grown through foreign adoption

Families grown through private adoption

Families grown through public adoption

Families grown through adoption: TIPS

Why does my child throw a temper tantrum at the worst possible moment?

You are having a great day.  Your child is using her listening ears and making good choices.  Then you have to go to the grocery store.  When she momentarily diverts from the good choices she has been making you gently remind her what the consequence will be if she chooses to not pay attention.  Right there in the middle of the dairy section she loses it; full blown temper tantrum. 

Children seem to pick the very worst time to have a temper tantrum.  Maybe that is just our perspective but they seem to.  There are a few reasons for this. 

The first is that it works.  Even if you are the most focused parent there are going to be moments in the day when you are distracted.  Your child knows that when something else takes your attention, that is their best opportunity to get away with something they have wanted to do all day.   To some degree parents need to expect and accept this.  We adults do this too--try to get away with little indiscretions here and there when no one is looking.    

If this meltdown is at the end (or middle) of a long day that could mean your child is hungry or tired.  You can greatly reduce these public meltdowns by making these needed trips at the beginning of the day or after naps.  You can also be sure to keep healthy snacks close by to cut down on hunger tantrums.    

Allowing your child to have some choice about when these trips take place can go a long way too.  Options empower children and will often help your child follow directions better.   “Do you want to play with the trucks for 10 min before we go to the store or after,” “Do you want to go to the bank or the store first?” 

I think the most effective method in ending these public temper-tantrums is to giving your child the opportunity to let out any frustration he might have before going on your errand.   If your child needs to be reminded several times of a rule, that is a good indication he is reaching a “boiling" point, meaning that his temper-tantrum is close to happening.  Heading out to do errands when he is on edge  is not a good idea on your part.  Instead try setting a limit that you know will put him over the edge about 30 min before you leave.  Then let him have his meltdown in the comfort (and privacy) of your home.  Sometimes children just need to let out all the frustration they have felt from the last week of following us around. 

Put yourself in his shoes.  If my spouse dictated when I went to the store, what I played with and when I had to stop, I would not be half as “compliant” as most children are.  There are very few choices children have in this world.  Let’s give them more credit for all they do.