Is That Child Smarter Than Mine

This is an article I wrote for Brain Insights a few months back.  Brain Insights was founded in 2008 by Deborah McNelis, an educator, national speaker and author of, The Brain Development Series. As a result, Brain Insights leads the way in making early brain development common knowledge, thanks to the unique combination of inspiring brain presentations and the incomparable Brain Development Activity Packets in both English and Spanish.

I have been a Certified Professional Nanny for almost 15 years, working with children and families from birth into their teen years.  I have studied children’s brain development both in the classroom, through books, and during lots of personal experience.  I know that the bond babies make with mom or dad in those first few months are vital to the neurological connections that are being made in their brains.  As children get older, the connections also are made through many stimuli like touch, feel, taste, sight and sound.  I understand that a toddler’s brain will develop best through real experiences.  They should be learning balance, coordination, speech, spatial dexterity and social skills.  Learning the ABC’s, numbers, shapes and the rest will come but do not need to be pushed at this stage.  In fact stressing a child out (and yourself) to learn these lessons earlier and earlier could have negative effects to the development process.  The energy being used to memorizing these skills could go instead to the improvement of age appropriate activities.

All this I know from my training, however, I am also a mom.  A few weeks ago my almost 3 year old daughter had a play date with a child 5 months younger.  During play time the other child began to sing her ABC’s.  She got every letter right!!  Not only that, she went on to count to 20 without missing any numbers.  My daughter says “1, 2, 17” and her idea of ABC’s are “A, B, Q, X.”  Suddenly my mommy jealously kicked in.  For a moment all understanding of how the brain works and what is age appropriate flew out the window, and I found myself wondering if my daughter was not as smart.  Would that mean she would not do well in school and then not get into a good college Then would she not get a good job and be HAPPY!

Okay, maybe I did not consciously think all this in that instant, but my emotions went around these issues.  My head started spinning with worry.  I know the reality that even if this child was showing signs of greater intelligence by saying her ABC's at 2 years old that does not mean my daughter will not do well in school.  Happiness does not come from your intelligence or your job. 

But the issue goes even deeper because I know that being able to recite ABC’s and count to 20 at the age of two does not equal great intelligence.  It means that this other child has strengths in areas different from my child.  Perhaps she is an auditory learner and has caught on to the “ABC song" quicker than my child. Perhaps her mother has worked very hard training her daughter to be able to count to 20. 

Whatever the case is my story is not unique.  There is a natural instinct in parents to want their child to excel at academics and to compare them to other children.  It’s hard for parents to resist this temptation and choose instead to see their child’s strengths.  If it is difficult for a mom like me who has been extensively trained and witnessed many children grow healthy and bright who did not know their ABC’s at 2, how much more difficult is it for parents that do not know these things.  Therefore it is understandable why it is so common for parents to push their children to learn things they do not need to be pushed to learn. 

I was able to quickly regain my rational thinking and genuinely praised the child for her skill.  I did not run home and try to force my daughter to learn these same skills.  I choose instead to find the things she is really good at, like her imagination and willingness to play with others.  Remember that EVERY child has stills and talents that they can do well.  It is our honor as parents and caregivers to find those strengths and nurture them. 

Families Grown through Adoption: Tips

This is the final installment of a series of articles I originally wrote for Regarding Nannies web site. Check them out, they are amazing.  It is written in an effort to help nannies care for their charges and support their employers but the information will be helpful for anyone that knows families of adoption.  

The first job I had as a Certified Professional Nanny was for a family going through a divorce.  I knew nothing about divorce and how it affects children.  I tried very hard to be compassionate and understanding.  However, there were some things I just didn’t know and wish someone had told me.  

Nannies have a great desire to help and support the children in their charge and the parents that employ them.  Sometimes we don’t know how best to do that, especially in situations that we don’t know much about.  Through these articles I am hoping to give you – my nanny friends - some of the background information about adoption.  I would have found background information about divorced families helpful during my first job.  

Today I have 5 tips to help you navigate dealing with adoptive parents and children. 

1-      Find a friend

There are many challenges that face families grown through adoption.  These challenges become stresses on the family and then of course on the nannies too.  We need to make sure we are dealing with the stresses without taking it out on our charges.  Make sure you have some people you can reach out to for advice, help and to just relax with.  If you need help contact me or Regarding Nannies to connect with other nannies that have worked with families of adoption so you have a friend to go to that has been where you are before.  

2-     Be Sensitive

Adoption is a sensitive issue.  Most of us that adopt are very protective of our children and do not want them to ever feel “different” in a bad way.  They can be sensitive to a variety of comments from a child not being their “real” child to comments about multiracial families.  Be cautious with the words you use to discuss and refer to adoption.  So be sensitive when talking with your charges and their parents.  Tara says:

People mean well, I think, but do not understand how hurtful certain phrasings or words can be...or how confusing they can be to a child. They ask about the child's "real" parents...when they need to ask about birth parents. They ask "Are they really siblings?" Well, yes...we have the papers to prove it! What they really mean is "Are they biological siblings?" ...as if that means they are "more" to each other than they are through adoption.”

3-     Communicate

It is vital that you have a detailed conversation with your employers about how they talk to their children about adoption and what they want you to say.  It is very important for all caregivers to use the same language and answer questions in the same way.  Make sure you discuss what questions, if any, your employers would like you to answer and how they want you to handle the questions beyond that.  If you disagree with how an employer is handling a question or concern your charge has, bring it up to the parent.  It is worse for the child to be given two different answers than to be given a wrong or half truth that is unified.  Esther says:

The truth is that Peach can be a handful at times which is why we felt it was important that Rachel [our nanny] have all the details about Peach's past - some of which are really gut-wrenching - but we knew she needed the full context in order to help address the behavioral and emotional challenges ahead. What I appreciate so much about our nanny is that she loves the kids like I do and she's been someone I can confide in throughout this sometimes very difficult adoption process. I want to make sure she's up to date on all the details of the case so that she feels part of the process too. We also try to coordinate helping to explain concepts (like adoption) to Peach and make sure we all use the same words/phrases/metaphors so that we're all clearly communicating the same messages.

4– Don’t give too much information

Be careful how much you tell children.  You want to be honest with them, but small children do not need to know that their mother gave them up because she was too addicted to drugs to care for them.  Use simple straightforward comments.  And be careful not to imply there was something wrong with the child.   Tara says:

One very important thing I learned was that a child will usually ask something along the lines of "Why couldn't/didn't my tummy mommy/birth mommy keep me or want me?" and that it is CRUCIAL to answer in a way that removes the "me". If you answer "She couldn't take care of you." a young child often misinterprets that to mean there was something about them, personally, that caused the birthmother to choose adoption. They think there was or is something wrong with them. However, if you answer something along the lines of "Your birth mother wasn't able to take care of any baby by herself..." and go from there. It helps the child see that it was the situation and to not personalize it so deeply. 

5 – Expect a change

Children that have open adoptions and visitation with their birth families often return from these visitations different children.  The complicated feelings that these events stir up often take days and weeks for the child to sort through and sometimes are never resolved.  The best thing for nannies of adoption to do is to double their efforts in providing a stable, predictable and consistent atmosphere.  They need to be lovingly reminded of the rules at the house but also encouraged to express their feelings and frustrations after returning home.  Cassandra says:

Describing the behavior and emotional changes in either of my charges after interacting with her birth family is somewhat of a complicated task. Both children wrestled with complex and mixed emotions after time with members of either birth family.  [However] Knowing that families were willing to work together across what could have been a barrier of adoption for the greater purpose of raising a healthy, happy child and seeing those families grow to sincerely care for one another was a true tribute to the vastness of the human heart. Providing truth to the saying, It takes a whole village to raise a child.” 

The truth is that every family has its own struggles and issues that it faces.  We as nannies learn to adapt to and support families with their unique issues.  In this way families formed through adoption are no different than families formed through blood.

I have thoroughly enjoyed writing these articles and interviewing the families and nannies I did.  Adoption is very near and dear to my heart.  I hope what I have said has helped you to understand adoption a little more, helped you to support adoptive families you might work for and maybe even consider adopting someday yourself.  


Links to previous adoptions articles
Families grown through adoption: BOOKS
Families grown through foreign adoption
Families grown through private adoption
Families grown through public adoption

My child hates to do home work. How can I help?

I remember coming home at the end of a long day at school and being so exhausted that I did not want to even look at a school book.  I was lucky, when I went to school (many) years ago, we had a normal amount of homework.  I was able to get most of it done at school.  Today for better or worse, our children tend to have so much homework that they often could spend most of their precious time in the evening finishing it. 

I don’t blame children for not wanting to do home work after a long day at school.  No matter what age, they need some time to be kids – even when they are 17 years old.  When you add afterschool sports and other activities to the equation you have an overload.  

I always think the best time for a child to do their homework is right away when they get home.  But often times they are exhausted and overwhelmed and just need some down time.  

Here are a few suggestions to help make it easier. 

1.         Limit after school activities.  I know this is a big challenge but too often today our children are overloaded with too many activities they “kind of” enjoy.  Let your children each pick one they really like and MAYBE offer a second.  Give your children some time to be children.

2.        Feed them a healthy snack after school.  Whether you are leaving right away to make it to an afterschool activity or you are staying home, this is an important step.  Avoid sugar/carbohydrate loads.  Try cheese and fruit.  The fruit will give them a burst of little energy now and the cheese will sustain them until dinner time. 

3.        Give your children the choice if they want to play right away or do home work.  You will be amazed at the response your children will have when you ask every day what their preference is.  There might be some days your children choose to do homework right away, and there may be days that your children are just too tired.  Be sure your children understand what else is on the schedule for the day before they make their choice.  And once your child has made the decision for the day, hold him to it. 

4.       Make sure that at least 2 times a week your children have 60 minutes in the evening to do what they want to do.  Give your children time to relax and enjoy themselves.

5.        Talk to your children about motivation.  Ask them what they want to be when they grow up and help them to understand how the homework they do today will help them accomplish their goal.  For example if your daughter wants to design buildings as an architect, she is going to need to be really good at math.  If your son wants to write books, he will need to be really good at spelling and grammar.  Help your children to see that they work hard at some things in his life like sports or video games, and there is also value in working hard to finish homework.    

Take a deep breath and jump into the New Year!!

It’s that time of year that we grown-ups start thinking about all the “what if’s” from the past year.  What if we had lost those 20lbs that we said we would, what if we had gone organic last year, and what if we had kept up with date night with my spouse?  It is so easy for us to look back and be frustrated with what we did not do. Take a moment and remember all you did do this past year.  Breathe in and breathe out and realize that you did what you could.  Look back at some pictures from the year or your Facebook posts and remember all the accomplishments and events that happened.  

Take one more deep breath and get ready for another year.  What the year consists of is up to you.  If you want to bring joy to it, you will be able to find some joy in almost every circumstance.  If you want to explore the world, you will find a way to explore every small moment.  The year is not written.  

Here ……  We ……. Go ……

How can I encourage my children to make New Year’s resolutions with me?

Making New Year’s resolutions may or may not be a tradition for you, but even if it is not it can be a great way to teach your children about working to improve a part of their lives.  

It does not have to be at the turn of the New Year but most of us want our children to grow to be adults that recognize their shortcomings and work to improve themselves.  Children will always model the attitudes and actions of the adults closest to them so it’s a good opportunity for us adults to work to better ourselves too.  

1.        Talk to your children in a positive way about one of the ways YOU would like to improve YOURSELF.  This means that if your goal is to lose a little weight, avoid making comments about how fat or ugly you feel.  These phrases and terms can really get stuck in your children’s heads for a long time.   Focus instead on wanting to have more energy and be well balanced.  

2.       Ask your children if there are any habits in their own lives that they would like to work to improve.  Be very careful her NEVER to lead your children to what YOU think they should do.  Chances are you have talked to them in the past about actions they need to work on or behaviors that are not appropriate or healthy.  Your children will already remember that and you don’t need to repeat yourself.  Work instead to let your children contemplate the question.  It may take them a few days to understand and come up with something they want to work on.    

3.       When your children come up with an idea, support it and invite them to explain it more thoroughly.  Ask your children why this action and why now. Talk about how they will feel when this habit is created (or eliminated).  Express to your children how proud you are that they have decided to take these big steps and let them know you will be there through the process.  Ask your children to partner with you and hold each other accountable.  

4.      Work together on the steps.  Sometimes a life change can be just too big to start or stop right away.  For example if your daughter wanted to find more friends at school there may be steps involved in that.  The first would be to think about who is friendly.  Then next would be to involve the new friend in a few activities at school.  The next might be to invite the other child to eat lunch with her.  Next you could invite the child to the house to play.  

Another example might be that your son wants to get better at baseball.  The first step might be to practice catching for 15 min every day, and then he might add 15 min of hitting every day.  Working to get a coach or tutor might be a step that is taken, and you might want your child to earn extra money or do extra chores to pay for it.

5.       As your children begin to work through these steps there are bound to be disappointments and horrible days.  That is expected when changing a habit.  That is why working as partners with them is such a great idea.  Your children can nudge and encourage you in your new habit forming/breaking endeavor and you can do the same for them.  This is a very big step. As a parent it is our first instinct to come and fix the problem or tell them how to fix it and what to do.  However, it is very important to let your children lead this process.  You can encourage them with comments like “I saw that it was very difficult for you to choose to work on hitting the baseball today, but you kept at it and did it even though all your friends were outside playing Frisbee.  I am proud and I see that you are working very hard.”  Or “I know that you were very disappointed when your new friend Emma did not want to sit with you at lunch.  It is very hard when you ask such an important question and someone says no." 

Working with your children to improve part of your life can be a great connecting experience.  And the benefit works for you, your children and the relationship you have together. 

Families Grown through Adoption: Public Adoption

Over the last few months I have been re-posting articles I wrote about Adoption for my good friends at Regarding Nannies. I encourage you to regularly take a look at what they have to offer you as someone caring for children.  

As I adoptive mother myself, this is a topic I love to talk and write about.  The decision to adopt was easy for me and my husband.  Choosing the method was a bit more complicated.  In picking a Public Adoption we knew we were risking our hearts a bit more but Nadia was worth it.    

Public Adoption has many names it is known under: state adoption, foster to adoption, foster care and legal risk adoption.  These are adoptions that happen through a state and local government agency.  Here in Milwaukee, Wisconsin ours is called Children Service Society of Wisconsin (CSSW.)  Many people are afraid of this form of adoption because of the great risk of losing the child.  Unlike most private adoptions, an adoptive family welcomes home the child before the rights of the birth parents are officially terminated.  Speaking from experience this is a giant risk.  

This adoption is free, in fact in most states the adoptive parents are paid to care for the child while they are still officially in foster care.  Often times, but not always adoptive parents are given a stipend and other benefits like state healthcare for the child until he or she is 18 years old.  This form of adoption will generally get a child in your home in the shortest amount of time and is quickest if you are willing to accept an older child or a child with special needs. 

Unfortunately this method of adoption has the most drawbacks.  The risks or dangers are many.  Though most of the social workers you will work with through this system are knowledgeable and friendly, they have very large and overwhelming workloads.  This causes home studies and paperwork to take longer.  There are usually classes that need to be taken and once you take custody of a child, you can expect visits from social workers every other week.  

Also, with this kind of adoption the birth parents generally do not want to give up their child.  The child is usually being removed because of neglect, abuse or parental drug use.  This in itself presents the increased possibility of long term effects on the child.  However, the fact that the birth mom or dad is actively fighting the decisions of the court causes many families to stay far away from this method of adoption.

I said my husband and I adopted Nadia through public adoption.  Though her adoption went smoothly, we had a heartbreaking event with our first attempt of adoption.  We were in the process of taking custody of a 9 month old girl when the courts made the decision she would stay where she was – which was another adoptive family that was neglecting her.  Of course this was heartbreaking and I still think and pray for this little girl named Grace.  

Nick and Esther Crawford have had another difficult road to adopting their little girl Peach.  They had a 1 year old boy when they made the choice to adopt through the state.  Peach is now a 6 year old that has been in and out of foster care for her entire life.  Nick and Esther worked hard to include Peach’s birth mother in their lives even going so far to invite her to Thanksgiving and other family events.  They did this because they wanted Peach to transaction well and they also wanted her birth mother to know she could always be a part of Peach’s life.  This had mix results.  Her birth mother has gone back and forth in her willingness to terminate her parental rights.  Nick and Esther are unwavering in their commitment to Peach and somehow are able to love her birth mother through all these issues.  They are confident they will someday be able to officially call Peach part of their forever family, it will just take time.  

Public adoption is clearly not for everyone, however I believe there is a sense that some of the children in this system have no one else.  I personally know this is what motivates me to adopt through the public system.  And I guess I would say it is one more benefit to this type of adoption.  

I strongly believe that any form of adoption you choose, you are welcoming a child into your home that needs you.  Every family is different and needs to decide for themselves which is right for them. 

Check out the other adoption articles


Previous

Families grown through adoption: BOOKS

Families grown through foreign adoption

Families grown through private adoption

 

Later

Families grown through adoption: TIPS

What do I do when my child starts wondering about Santa Claus?

We want our children to be honest with us.  The best way to teach this is to be honest with them.  When it comes to topics like Santa, Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy this becomes complicated.  We want our children to enjoy the “magic” of these special events but we know they will eventually find out the truth.  Most of us want to balance between the mom from Miracle on 34^th Street who told her child from the earliest age that there is no Santa and the parent keeping the magic alive far past the normal age.   

On the one hand by encouraging your children to ask Santa for toys at Christmas, having them visit a local Santa and making cookies for him to eat Christmas Eve, you bring your children joy.  On the other hand it is a type of a lie. 

The easiest alternative is to tell your children from the beginning that the story of Santa is just that, a story.  You can tell your children the real stories of St Nick and all the legends of Santa Claus that are out there.  I don’t see any reason you can’t even have them visit Santa.  It can be a fun adventure, like visiting Disney World.  Most of the children understand that the characters are not real, they are made up.  But they often still get excited to see these characters.  Santa can be no different.  The story he brings of giving toys to children in need is a beautiful one.  It is very possible for your children to be excited about the character of Santa but understand it to be a story, not reality.   

A lot of parents though may have already gone down the road of a “real” Santa or you simply have preference and want to bring that magic into your children’s lives in a substantial way.  If this is the case then you probably already are aware there will come a time that you need to come clean.  

I think the most damaging thing for children when it comes to learning about Santa is how they find out.  It is usually from other children but sometimes it is from their own deductive reasoning.  If your child begins to question Santa, you can use it as an opportunity to encourage his detective skills.  “Wow, how did you figure out the mystery?  What were your clues?”   

When your children’s bubble is burst by an older sibling or school friends it can be more devastating because it may seem to them like you have been holding out.  Focus your attention on how your children are feeling about the issue and let that be your guide.  Help them with the deductive reasoning. 

If at this point you make up new stories and fabricate more lies to cover the original lie that can damage your relationship.  If you continue with the myth, when they eventually find out the truth they will not only be crushed but they will then remember you trying to continue with the lie.  This can be devastating, not only because Santa isn’t real, but because mom and dad lied to me about it to “make me behave better.”

Once your child starts questioning the truth, it is time to end the story.  However, you don’t need to just blurt out “Santa is not real.”  Be honest with your child and explain that your intention was to bring joy and excitement to him, not to hurt him.  Again you can praise the critical thinking that went into discovering the truth.    

It is better for you to tell your child a little too early about the true identity of Santa than it is to wait until he finds out from someone else.