Signs of Readiness to Potty Train in Your Child

I had the privilege of writing for the e-book Parenting Responsively along with 11 other ACPI parent and family coaches.  Over the next few weeks I will be reprinting my chapter.  I hope you will enjoy it.  If you would like to order the entire book you may do so on my website for $9.99 - Strong Roots Family Coaching.  Enjoy

(View the previous post on Potty Training without the Power Struggle)

                Every child is unique and different.  A child that excels in one area of his life may lag behind the “average” child in another area.  For this reason, you should look for signs of readiness once your child has expressed interest in using the potty.

                When determining if your child is ready to begin toilet training, you will be looking for signs that your child is both physically and emotionally ready to take that step.  The physical signs of readiness are often harder to read, but it's essential that they are there if you want to train your child without a lengthy struggle.  If your child is physically ready, he will demonstrate that he has control of his bladder.  This control begins when his body naturally holds onto urine instead of letting it go right away as an infant would.  You will know he has enough control to switch to underwear when his diaper is dry for 90 minutes or more and then is suddenly full.  Another indication that your child may be physically ready to make the switch to underpants is when he is willing to sit on the toilet, but will not go until the moment he has his diaper back on.  This too shows bladder control. Unfortunately this stubbornness is also a sign he is not emotionally ready.

                Emotional readiness exhibits itself in a few ways.  Often your child will begin to get self-conscious when he has to have a bowel movement.  He might hide in a corner and silently go in his diaper, showing a desire for privacy.  Your child might also start telling you just after he urinates or right before, showing an awareness of his action.  He also might insist on being changed as soon as he has soiled his diaper.  This is showing he is beginning to be uncomfortable with the way things are.  The biggest sign that your child is emotionally ready to get rid of his diapers is the consistent and frequent use of the potty when prompted. 

                Sometimes the only way to discover if your child is really physically ready is to let him go without a diaper for a few hours and see what happens.  You can have him wear underpants or have him go naked from the waist down for at least 3 hours.  If you find he urinates every 30-45 minutes, he is not ready.  If he is able to wait for 60 minutes or more a few times, he may be ready. 

                Although I dislike generalizations related to gender, when it comes to potty training there is usually a difference.  Boys tend to reach the physical milestones of potty preparedness before they are emotionally ready.   Girls tend to become emotionally ready before they are physically ready. 

                If you attempt to potty train your child and he is emotionally ready but not physically ready, you will have a child that wants to stay dry, but just can’t. He tries to make it to the toilet, but just doesn’t have the control to hold his urine in.  This can cause extreme emotional distress to you and more importantly your child.  If you try to train your child and he is physically ready but not emotionally ready, you will find yourself in a power struggle trying to bribe or persuade him to use the toilet.  In both cases you will spend your entire day trying to “catch” your child before he goes and the potty training process will drag on and on as his dignity fades away.

                If you find yourself, like I did, in a situation where you have transferred to underpants and now know that your child is not physically or emotionally ready, stop the training. Go back to diapers and try again in a few weeks.  It does not do anyone any good to shame your child or make him feel bad about the lack of training success.  

Please return next week (or subscribe to this blog) to hear the rest of the chapter on Potty Training without a Power Struggle

Helpful Tools for Potty Training you Child

I had the privilege of writing for the e-book Parenting Responsively along with 11 other ACPI parent and family coaches.  Over the next few weeks I will be reprinting my chapter.  I hope you will enjoy it.  If you would like to order the entire book you may do so on my website for $9.99 - Strong Roots Family Coaching.  Enjoy

(View the previous post on Potty Training without the Power Struggle)

                Like with any new challenge, having the right tools can aid in your success. The same is true for your child.  If you want to make your child a more comfortable, consider getting a toilet insert rather than a mini toilet chair (they even make adult toilet seats that have a child's seat that is stored in the cover when not in use). There are a few reasons doing so can be helpful.  The first is that your child is observing you on the toilet and with an insert he can sit in the same place as you.  The second is that you are going to eventually want him to sit on the big toilet, so adding an additional transition to the potty training process doesn't seem to make sense.   Third, you can’t carry a mini toilet chair around with you wherever you go (well you could but who would want to?), but portable toilet inserts can be discreetly folded up and transported anywhere.  Finally, who really wants to have to empty their child’s waste from a mini toilet to the big toilet then clean the thing by hand?  Mini toilets seem to make more work for the grownups and add confusion for most children.  

                While inserts can make the toileting experience more comfortable, if you would rather not have the expense and trouble of your child using a toilet insert, there is absolutely nothing wrong with having him sit directly on the big toilet.  If you choose to do this, be sure to offer support and spot him so he doesn't fall in. Most children who sit on the big potty from the beginning get used to doing so quickly and do just fine with it.  Ultimately, you need to do what works best for your family and your child.  

                Using a footstool can help your child gain independence during the toilet training process.  With a step stool, he can climb up on the toilet on his own. Having a place to rest his feet may even make having a bowel movement more comfortable for him.  A footstool can also be used for stepping up to the sink so that he can wash his hands independently. 

                Books and videos are great tools for helping your child understand things he has not yet experienced.  There are dozens of helpful books and videos about potty training. One of my favorite videos is Elmo’s Potty Time. A few of my favorite books include A Potty for Me, Lift Flap book and The Potty Train.  I encourage you to take a trip to the library and bring home several different books and videos.  Every child likes different characters and stories, so look for books and videos that feature familiar characters to provide additional motivation.   

                A lot of parents opt to use pull-ups or other disposable underpants while training their child.  These can be good tools for your child when he is in the practice phase of toilet training.  Sometimes it is just easier to pull down his pull-up than take off his diaper and clothes.  Though it is possible to use a regular diaper in this way, sometimes the fun characters on pull-ups can add excitement to your child’s potty training experience.  If you do choose to use pull-ups, it is important to remember that they are a tool for training and not a replacement for underpants. 

                Children who wear cloth diapers tend to be potty trained earlier than children who wear disposables.  This is most likely due to the fact that the child feels the wetness more in a cloth diaper than in a disposable.  Disposable diapers are made to take the wetness away from the surface so the child doesn't really have a chance to feel uncomfortable.  Children who wear cloth diapers feel wet when they urinate and have more motivation to stay dry.  During the initial phase of training, if you child wears disposable diapers moving to cloth diapers might be something to consider.  They are so much easier to use than they used to be and even have fun patterns and colors.   

Please click HERE (or subscribe to this blog) to hear the next part of this chapter on Potty Training without a Power Struggle

Preparing your Child for Potty training (part 2)

I had the privilege of writing for the e-book Parenting Responsively along with 11 other ACPI parent and family coaches.  Over the next few weeks I will be reprinting my chapter.  I hope you will enjoy it.  If you would like to order the entire book you may do so on my website for $9.99 - Strong Roots Family Coaching.  Enjoy

(View the previous post on Potty Training without the Power Struggle)

                When potty training, your words and tone truly affect your child and the potty training outcome. Avoid using harsh or shaming words and tones when changing his diapers, but instead use positive words paired with a positive tone to set an encouraging atmosphere.  While it can be tempting to comment on how gross a diaper smells, doing so could translate to your child that he's done something wrong which could result in feelings of shame and embarrassment.  However, telling your child what you see in his diaper can be helpful.  “Oh, you went tinkle in your diaper” or “You went poop” can help facilitate the understanding of natural bodily functions.

                The next step in preparing your child for potty training involves effective communication.  As your child begins to be interested in your toileting experience, you can start telling him that someday he will go poop and tinkle on the potty too. Articulating these goals is an important step that will help mentally prepare your child to use the toilet.  Be sure to let your child know that he will use the toilet when he is ready.  Say it often and say it in many different ways.  

                Your child was born into this world able to do nothing for himself.  The way he learns to do anything is through observation and experience.  That is why the next part of your potty training journey is to encourage your child to sit on the toilet.  Sometime after his first birthday, invite him to sit on it with you. It is important that if he doesn't want to, you do not force him. While he may not want to sit on the toilet the first few times you ask, don’t stop extending the invitation. You may find that your child is really excited about it the first time you ask, and then is scared to do it few days later.  Don’t worry; this is normal.  Keep at it by being encouraging and staying positive. 

                Another consideration is that generally children love to flush the toilet, so much so that it can be a motivating factor in your child's decision to sit on it. It is a good idea to let your child experiment with flushing it.  However it can scare a child if you flush the toilet when he is on it. This can be particularly scary during the introductory period of potty training.  It could make your child not want to go near a toilet for weeks or more.  Be cautious of this when at a public restroom with an auto flush.  In addition to being loud, they often spray up water that can be frightening to young children.

                Strategically timing when you ask your child to sit on the toilet may be helpful. Children tend to urinate just after drinking a lot of liquid.  If your child has never had the sensation of urinating on the toilet, you could try giving him something to drink just before or while on the toilet.  It is important for your child to have this experience at some point before his transition to underpants.  

                One last training tip is to let your child experience using the toilet outside of your home.  This is important because your child will need to be comfortable going in many places.  If the only place he ever experiments with is home, the move to underwear will be more challenging and worrisome for both him and you.  

Please return next week (or subscribe to this blog) to hear the rest of the chapter on Potty Training without a Power Struggle

Prepare Your Child for Potty Training (part 1)

I had the privilege of writing for the e-book Parenting Responsively along with 11 other ACPI parent and family coaches.  Over the next few weeks I will be reprinting my chapter.  I hope you will enjoy it.  If you would like to order the entire book you may do so on my website for $9.99 - Strong Roots Family Coaching.  Enjoy

(View the previous post on Potty Training without the Power Struggle)

              Preparing your child for the transition from diapers to underwear can start at a very young age.  Even a child under the age of one is beginning to understand the world around him.  In fact, even a six month old wants to do the things you do.  Use this to your advantage and model the positive behaviors you want your child to mimic.  Remember, if your goal is to get your child to eat his food with a fork, you'll need to show him that you eat your food with a fork and praise him as he tries to do the same. 

                The technique of modeling and imitating is not only successful with teaching appropriate mealtime manners; it's a wonderful tool that can be used during toilet training. To some parents, taking their child with them to the bathroom may sound crude and raise feelings of discomfort, but the reality is that your child needs to see you using the toilet to understand that doing it is a normal and expected event.  If you lock yourself in the bathroom every time you go, your child will never have a chance to witness this natural experience.  In fact, if you only use the toilet behind closed doors, your child may even grow to think that something mysterious and strange goes on in the bathroom, which can create and breed fear.  By treating using the toilet like any other habit, you show your child that using it is just one more thing he will learn to do on his own. 

                It is often said that boys potty train later than girls. If we stop and think about this, is it because mothers tend to do most of the training and boys are not exposed to seeing their father's use the toilet regularly? I think this could be the case. That's why it is important for your child to witness the same gender using the potty.  If your little boy never sees another older male use the potty standing up, it will make the process of teaching him to urinate standing up much more difficult. 

                Your bathroom vocabulary is another important part of the potty training process.  Using language that your child can understand and even repeat at young ages is key to developing your potty training language.  Though it may be embarrassing for you when your child says he has to go poop in grocery store, most people will understand and laugh with you, not at you.   Decide what words you will use and be consistent with using them.  “Tinkle”, “poop” and “toilet” are popular, recognizable words that many parents use.  Using the word potty when your child goes in his diaper and the word toilet when he goes on the toilet can also help build your child's potty training understanding.  Saying, "you went potty” when your child just soiled his diaper can be confusing if you also use this language when he goes on the toilet.  Using different words and phrases will help separate the two experiences.  If your child is in daycare, you'll also want to be sure to communicate your potty training vocabulary with his caregiver so that she can support your child during this process as well as understand what he's trying to communicate when he has to go.

Please see the next weeks post (or subscribe to this blog) to hear the rest of the chapter on Potty Training without a Power Struggle

Keeping Your Child’s Dignity while Potty Training

I had the privilege of writing for the e-book Parenting Responsively along with 11 other ACPI parent and family coaches.  Over the next few weeks I will be reprinting my chapter.  I hope you will enjoy it.  If you would like to order the entire book you may do so on my website for $9.99 - Strong Roots Family Coaching.  Enjoy

Potty Training without a Power Struggle - Keeping your Child's Dignity

                Caring for three children ages six and under can be a challenge, but adding potty training to the mix can make it downright chaotic.   That is where I found myself not too long ago.  Joy, my two-year-old charge had just started wearing underpants earlier in the week.  She had done very well on this particular day, so I decided it was time for our first outing without diapers.  When we arrived at the community center for her older brother’s basketball practice, I was surprised to find that she had had an accident during the short car ride there.  I remained positive as we headed inside where I could change her clothes, gently reminding her that "everyone has accidents" along the way. We went on with our day, she happily coloring in her coloring book, and I keeping a two-month-old entertained with catching some of the eldest boy’s practice. Not more than 20 minutes had passed when I noticed that there was a puddle on the floor of the gym, right under her feet.  At this moment, I came to the realization that Joy wasn't as ready as I had thought to be without diapers, and that continuing to have her in public with panties would only lead to frustration and emotional stress.  

                For many parents, the thought of potty training brings up feelings of anxiety.  You may have heard potty training stories that recount months of embarrassing accidents, painful setbacks and intensive struggles. From those stories, you may have gleaned that potty training isn't always easy.  But fortunately, potty training does not need to be stressful for you or your child.  Potty training doesn't need to be a source of emotional pain and frustration.  Whether you begin the potty training process this month or next, your child will eventually learn to use the toilet regularly, with whatever method you choose, and with success.  While you can, and many parents do choose to approach potty training in a way that can cause distress, there is another way.

You can potty train your child successfully while allowing him to maintain his dignity as he tackles this new and somewhat scary endeavor.

                While you may think that walking is the first major milestone for your child, it's really not.  To your child, walking is just one more way to get from here to there. Before walking, he was able to scoot, roll or crawl to wherever he wanted to go.

                But when it comes to using the potty, your child is truly experiencing a first. To him, learning to urinate on the toilet is the first monumental task he is facing. Up until now, the only place he knew to go to the bathroom in was his diaper. Remember his whole life he's been wearing a diaper and naturally relieving himself in it.  So not only does your child need to learn to go in the toilet, he has to unlearn the habit of going in his diaper. As you can imagine, this is huge adjustment for your child. Remember potty training is a process. Transitioning to using the toilet will happen, but it takes patience, courage, instruction and a lot of cheerleading for it to happen easily and successfully.   

                When you bring patience and respect into the potty training equation, you are letting your child make the decision for himself that he is ready to use the potty.  When using the potty is something he chooses to do, rather than something that he is being forced to do, he's able to maintain his dignity with each challenging day.  While it may seem contradictory to the training process to let your child decide when he's ready, when you do, you'll actually shorten the length of the potty training process because he'll be gaining dignity that will raise his self-esteem.  When his self-esteem is raised, your child better has the ability to take on new challenges and to keep working on areas of his life that need improvement. 

                The self-esteem built through a positive potty training experience will also help him, as he gets older.  They gain the courage to try new things and to get up and try again, even if they fail the first few times.   Children who have a positive experience will also learn to equate hard work with that good feeling that only increased self-confidence brings.

                In more than 15 years of working with young children and families, I have seen a masterful change in the demeanor of children when they master using the toilet.   Their independence grows by leaps and bounds. They look for new and bigger tasks that they can master.  The benefits your child gains from a positive potty training experience do last a lifetime. 

                As I said earlier, potty training is a process. While potty training language can at times be confusing, for our purposes, the phrase “potty training” encompasses everything from talking to your child about using the toilet to dealing with accidents at night as a child gets older.  Actually getting rid of diapers and putting on underpants is what I refer to as “the transition to underpants.”

Please click here to see last weeks section from Potty Training without a Power Struggle

Is That Child Smarter Than Mine

This is an article I wrote for Brain Insights a few months back.  Brain Insights was founded in 2008 by Deborah McNelis, an educator, national speaker and author of, The Brain Development Series. As a result, Brain Insights leads the way in making early brain development common knowledge, thanks to the unique combination of inspiring brain presentations and the incomparable Brain Development Activity Packets in both English and Spanish.

I have been a Certified Professional Nanny for almost 15 years, working with children and families from birth into their teen years.  I have studied children’s brain development both in the classroom, through books, and during lots of personal experience.  I know that the bond babies make with mom or dad in those first few months are vital to the neurological connections that are being made in their brains.  As children get older, the connections also are made through many stimuli like touch, feel, taste, sight and sound.  I understand that a toddler’s brain will develop best through real experiences.  They should be learning balance, coordination, speech, spatial dexterity and social skills.  Learning the ABC’s, numbers, shapes and the rest will come but do not need to be pushed at this stage.  In fact stressing a child out (and yourself) to learn these lessons earlier and earlier could have negative effects to the development process.  The energy being used to memorizing these skills could go instead to the improvement of age appropriate activities.

All this I know from my training, however, I am also a mom.  A few weeks ago my almost 3 year old daughter had a play date with a child 5 months younger.  During play time the other child began to sing her ABC’s.  She got every letter right!!  Not only that, she went on to count to 20 without missing any numbers.  My daughter says “1, 2, 17” and her idea of ABC’s are “A, B, Q, X.”  Suddenly my mommy jealously kicked in.  For a moment all understanding of how the brain works and what is age appropriate flew out the window, and I found myself wondering if my daughter was not as smart.  Would that mean she would not do well in school and then not get into a good college Then would she not get a good job and be HAPPY!

Okay, maybe I did not consciously think all this in that instant, but my emotions went around these issues.  My head started spinning with worry.  I know the reality that even if this child was showing signs of greater intelligence by saying her ABC's at 2 years old that does not mean my daughter will not do well in school.  Happiness does not come from your intelligence or your job. 

But the issue goes even deeper because I know that being able to recite ABC’s and count to 20 at the age of two does not equal great intelligence.  It means that this other child has strengths in areas different from my child.  Perhaps she is an auditory learner and has caught on to the “ABC song" quicker than my child. Perhaps her mother has worked very hard training her daughter to be able to count to 20. 

Whatever the case is my story is not unique.  There is a natural instinct in parents to want their child to excel at academics and to compare them to other children.  It’s hard for parents to resist this temptation and choose instead to see their child’s strengths.  If it is difficult for a mom like me who has been extensively trained and witnessed many children grow healthy and bright who did not know their ABC’s at 2, how much more difficult is it for parents that do not know these things.  Therefore it is understandable why it is so common for parents to push their children to learn things they do not need to be pushed to learn. 

I was able to quickly regain my rational thinking and genuinely praised the child for her skill.  I did not run home and try to force my daughter to learn these same skills.  I choose instead to find the things she is really good at, like her imagination and willingness to play with others.  Remember that EVERY child has stills and talents that they can do well.  It is our honor as parents and caregivers to find those strengths and nurture them. 

Families Grown through Adoption: Tips

This is the final installment of a series of articles I originally wrote for Regarding Nannies web site. Check them out, they are amazing.  It is written in an effort to help nannies care for their charges and support their employers but the information will be helpful for anyone that knows families of adoption.  

The first job I had as a Certified Professional Nanny was for a family going through a divorce.  I knew nothing about divorce and how it affects children.  I tried very hard to be compassionate and understanding.  However, there were some things I just didn’t know and wish someone had told me.  

Nannies have a great desire to help and support the children in their charge and the parents that employ them.  Sometimes we don’t know how best to do that, especially in situations that we don’t know much about.  Through these articles I am hoping to give you – my nanny friends - some of the background information about adoption.  I would have found background information about divorced families helpful during my first job.  

Today I have 5 tips to help you navigate dealing with adoptive parents and children. 

1-      Find a friend

There are many challenges that face families grown through adoption.  These challenges become stresses on the family and then of course on the nannies too.  We need to make sure we are dealing with the stresses without taking it out on our charges.  Make sure you have some people you can reach out to for advice, help and to just relax with.  If you need help contact me or Regarding Nannies to connect with other nannies that have worked with families of adoption so you have a friend to go to that has been where you are before.  

2-     Be Sensitive

Adoption is a sensitive issue.  Most of us that adopt are very protective of our children and do not want them to ever feel “different” in a bad way.  They can be sensitive to a variety of comments from a child not being their “real” child to comments about multiracial families.  Be cautious with the words you use to discuss and refer to adoption.  So be sensitive when talking with your charges and their parents.  Tara says:

People mean well, I think, but do not understand how hurtful certain phrasings or words can be...or how confusing they can be to a child. They ask about the child's "real" parents...when they need to ask about birth parents. They ask "Are they really siblings?" Well, yes...we have the papers to prove it! What they really mean is "Are they biological siblings?" ...as if that means they are "more" to each other than they are through adoption.”

3-     Communicate

It is vital that you have a detailed conversation with your employers about how they talk to their children about adoption and what they want you to say.  It is very important for all caregivers to use the same language and answer questions in the same way.  Make sure you discuss what questions, if any, your employers would like you to answer and how they want you to handle the questions beyond that.  If you disagree with how an employer is handling a question or concern your charge has, bring it up to the parent.  It is worse for the child to be given two different answers than to be given a wrong or half truth that is unified.  Esther says:

The truth is that Peach can be a handful at times which is why we felt it was important that Rachel [our nanny] have all the details about Peach's past - some of which are really gut-wrenching - but we knew she needed the full context in order to help address the behavioral and emotional challenges ahead. What I appreciate so much about our nanny is that she loves the kids like I do and she's been someone I can confide in throughout this sometimes very difficult adoption process. I want to make sure she's up to date on all the details of the case so that she feels part of the process too. We also try to coordinate helping to explain concepts (like adoption) to Peach and make sure we all use the same words/phrases/metaphors so that we're all clearly communicating the same messages.

4– Don’t give too much information

Be careful how much you tell children.  You want to be honest with them, but small children do not need to know that their mother gave them up because she was too addicted to drugs to care for them.  Use simple straightforward comments.  And be careful not to imply there was something wrong with the child.   Tara says:

One very important thing I learned was that a child will usually ask something along the lines of "Why couldn't/didn't my tummy mommy/birth mommy keep me or want me?" and that it is CRUCIAL to answer in a way that removes the "me". If you answer "She couldn't take care of you." a young child often misinterprets that to mean there was something about them, personally, that caused the birthmother to choose adoption. They think there was or is something wrong with them. However, if you answer something along the lines of "Your birth mother wasn't able to take care of any baby by herself..." and go from there. It helps the child see that it was the situation and to not personalize it so deeply. 

5 – Expect a change

Children that have open adoptions and visitation with their birth families often return from these visitations different children.  The complicated feelings that these events stir up often take days and weeks for the child to sort through and sometimes are never resolved.  The best thing for nannies of adoption to do is to double their efforts in providing a stable, predictable and consistent atmosphere.  They need to be lovingly reminded of the rules at the house but also encouraged to express their feelings and frustrations after returning home.  Cassandra says:

Describing the behavior and emotional changes in either of my charges after interacting with her birth family is somewhat of a complicated task. Both children wrestled with complex and mixed emotions after time with members of either birth family.  [However] Knowing that families were willing to work together across what could have been a barrier of adoption for the greater purpose of raising a healthy, happy child and seeing those families grow to sincerely care for one another was a true tribute to the vastness of the human heart. Providing truth to the saying, It takes a whole village to raise a child.” 

The truth is that every family has its own struggles and issues that it faces.  We as nannies learn to adapt to and support families with their unique issues.  In this way families formed through adoption are no different than families formed through blood.

I have thoroughly enjoyed writing these articles and interviewing the families and nannies I did.  Adoption is very near and dear to my heart.  I hope what I have said has helped you to understand adoption a little more, helped you to support adoptive families you might work for and maybe even consider adopting someday yourself.  


Links to previous adoptions articles
Families grown through adoption: BOOKS
Families grown through foreign adoption
Families grown through private adoption
Families grown through public adoption