Why do I need to play WITH my kids?

A playing child is a working child.  The act of playing is what leads to children’s brain development and helps them figure out the world around.  Most events in an average day are new to children so they need to play in order to digest them all. Children “pretend” in order to make sense of what is happening to them.  Through play they learn self control, empathy, problem solving, confidence and creativity.   

So maybe you already knew children need to play but why do YOU need to play WITH your children? Children need to learn to play on their own but there are many reasons parents should play with their children.  Playing with your children allows you to enter their world.  By entering their world you are better able to understand their perspective.  This may lead you to greater insights about their behaviors and emotions that you would not have otherwise seen. It will give you ideas on how to meet their emotional needs and solve the problems they are unable to tell you about.

Children have a need for attention from the adults they are closest to.  (Mom, dad or another caregiver)  If they do not receive that attention from those individuals, they will begin acting in ways to GET your attention.  We call these behaviors bad but our children usually engage in them to get our attention. So by giving your child the positive attention through play time, those emotional needs, and many others, are provided for.  They have less reason to act “bad”.

The more we join them in their world, the more cooperative they will be when we drag them around our world.    Children do not get much say in where and when they go.  Let’s face it we dictate most of that for them.  From your children’s perspective it is difficult to be constantly told we have to go here, then here.  They do not get to choose what school they go to or when they will leave.  But when you engage with your children in play, they are more willing to follow your lead as far as daily activities go. 

There are times doing your job to keep your children safe and healthy cause your children to be unhappy and in pain. In doing this we create a disconnection with them.  It might be something like making them go to the dentist or disciplining them after a great offense.  If this disconnection is left alone it can affect the relationship long term.  Playing with your child is a natural remedy for this disconnection.  It is hard for children not to want to be around an adult when he or she is wanting to play and pretend with them.  

Potty Training Without a Power Struggle

Sneak Peek Friday

I am honored to have worked on the Academy of Coaching Parents International's HeartWise book called Parenting Responsively for Connection.  Along with 10 other ACPI Certified Parent and Family Coaches; I wrote the book to help parents answer some difficult parenting issues.  Every Friday this summer YOUR Parenting Question Blog will share a short excerpt from this book.  We hope that you find them information and helpful.  If you like what you read and you would like to order the E-book you may do so here at Strong Roots Family Coaching. 

Keeping Your Child’s Dignity - Potty Training Without a Power Struggle

While you may think that walking is the first major milestone for your child, it's really not.  To your child, walking is just one more way to get from here to there. Before walking, he was able to scoot, roll or crawl to wherever he wanted to go.

            But when it comes to using the potty, your child is truly experiencing a first. To him, learning to urinate on the toilet is the first monumental task he is facing. Up until now, the only place he knew to go to the bathroom in was his diaper. Remember his whole life he's been wearing a diaper and naturally relieving himself in it.  So not only does your child need to learn to go in the toilet, he has to unlearn the habit of going in his diaper. As you can imagine, this is huge adjustment for your child. Remember potty training is a process. Transitioning to using the toilet will happen, but it takes patience, courage, instruction and a lot of cheerleading for it to happen easily and successfully.   

            When you bring patience and respect into the potty training equation, you are letting your child make the decision for himself that he is ready to use the potty.  When using the potty is something he chooses to do, rather than something that he is being forced to do, he's able to maintain his dignity with each challenging day.  While it may seem contradictory to the training process to let your child decide when he's ready, when you do, you'll actually shorten the length of the potty training process because he'll be gaining dignity that will raise his self-esteem.  When his self-esteem is raised, your child better has the ability to take on new challenges and to keep working on areas of his life that need improvement. 

            The self-esteem built through a positive potty training experience will also help him, as he gets older.  They gain the courage to try new things and to get up and try again, even if they fail the first few times.   Children who have a positive experience will also learn to equate hard work with that good feeling that only increased self-confidence brings.

Marcia Hall

ACPI Certified Coach for Families

http://www.strongrootsfamilycoaching.com

Email: marcia@strongrootsfamilycoaching.com

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Regarding Nannies

My friends over at Regarding Nannies have been nominated for the 2011 Parents Best All Around Mom Blog. They have tips, ideas and great information for nannies and parents.  Please go check out their website and then vote for them.  Just click here to vote.  

Guiding Your Strong-Willed Child

Sneak Peek Friday

I am honored to have worked on the Academy of Coaching Parents International's HeartWise book called Parenting Responsively for Connection.  Along with 10 other ACPI Certified Parent and Family Coaches; I wrote the book to help parents answer some difficult parenting issues.  Every Friday this summer YOUR Parenting Question Blog will share a short excerpt from this book.  We hope that you find them information and helpful.  If you like what you read and you would like to order the E-book you may do so here at Strong Roots Family Coaching. 

Your Role - Guiding Your Strong-Willed Child

My sister, Amy, is a strong-willed woman.  She has always known what needed to be done in her house and was unyielding in her pursuit.    When her four children were all under the age of five, it was not realistic for her to cater to every whim they had.  That would have created chaos.  However, her loving nature allowed her to remain in control without needing to have constant power struggles with her children.  She parented with a firm, but gentle hand.

            The greatest lesson I learned from Amy was that you could tell your children no, stick with your answer, and also be the one to comfort them.  I once watched her youngest son, Aidan, have a tantrum because he could not watch a certain television show.  Aidan was crying and screaming, and my sister picked him up, put him on her lap and said, “Oh, you poor thing, I understand how hard this must be for you.”  That was all she said.  She rocked him and comforted him.  She did not give in and let him watch the show.  She did not restate the reasons why he didn’t get to watch his show, and she did not make promises that he could watch the show later.  She simply comforted him and let him know that she understood his frustrations.  Aidan held on to her as he cried and eventually calmed down.  The truth is Aiden needed to be heard. 

            When I need to share and vent to my girlfriends, I don’t want them to solve my problems, I just need someone to say, “I understand and it will all be okay.”  Your children need the same attention and understanding.  Expressing their feelings is the best way for a child to release their hurt.  It’s better for them to release the pain in the moment, than to hold it in and release it in some other way hours later.

            But what if, like me, you’re not strong-willed and standing your ground is your biggest weakness?  I am quick to eliminate any uncomfortable situation and am easily swayed.  This is how I got to the point with Megan where I gave in every time I sensed she was about to have a meltdown. Believe me, I paid the price. Ultimately I had to learn the importance of standing my ground.  These days, when my children are hurting because I enforced a rule or have requested something of them, I remember that I also can be the one to comfort them.  I do not give in to them, however hard that may be.  Instead I turn my energy to being there for them in their time of distress.  Luckily, this comes very easily to me and even though my children may be angry with me, we still remain connected and loving throughout the struggle at hand.

Jennie Tehomilic

ACPI Certified Coach for Parents

Email: jbecc@yahoo.com

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Adoption Books

As many of you may know, my husband and I adopted our beautiful little girl who is now 2 years old.  The road through adoption is usually difficult and emotionally painful.  I always tell people I may have not gone through "birth pains" but I had baby pains of my own. 

I was recently asked to write an article about adoption by my friends over at Regarding Nannies.  If you are interested, please take a look.  The article is in 4 parts.  Yesterday I gave some suggestions on books to help children learn about and deal with adoption. 

Families Grown Through Adoption

Praise: It's Complicated

Sneak Peek Friday

I am honored to have worked on the Academy of Coaching Parents International's HeartWise book called Parenting Responsively for Connection.  Along with 10 other ACPI Certified Parent and Family Coaches; I wrote the book to help parents answer some difficult parenting issues.  Every Friday this summer YOUR Parenting Question Blog will share a short excerpt from this book.  We hope that you find them information and helpful.  If you like what you read and you would like to order the E-book you may do so here at Strong Roots Family Coaching. 

Praise: It's Complicated

            "Great game, Jimmy. 24 points— awesome! I am so proud of you!"

            We all know the importance of praising our children, and many of us probably feel that we fail to praise them as much as we should. But even if we offered our children 100 words of praise each day, is all praise effective praise?

            Too often, like this mom above, we offer some type of blanket "praise phrase" like "Good job!" "Great work!" or "Well done!" But for our praise to be effective, is that enough? Truly it's not.

            As parents, we strive to make sure the praise we offer our children is meaningful and influential. For this to happen, we must continually find reasons to notice the behaviors in our children that we value and specifically point them out. When we do, we are able to meet three of our child's basic social-emotional needs.

            The need for love and affection

            The need to feel competent

            The sense of belonging and being connected.

            We all know that it's easy to take our kids' behavior for granted, especially after a behavior is repeated enough that it has become a habit. A simple example for young children would be brushing their teeth, hanging up wet towels or putting dirty clothes in a hamper. While our children are in the early stages of learning a new responsibility, it is important to recognize this behavior by offering meaningful and influential praise. "Thanks for brushing your teeth without me having to tell you. It shows you care about keeping your teeth healthy. Thank you!" or "Way to go picking up those dirty clothes. It's so great you're learning to care for your own belongings. I and your hamper thank you!" are examples of meaningful and influential praise.

Alan Carson

Parent Educator & ACPI Trainer

http://www.parentslead.com

Email: parentslead@mac.com

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How can I stop myself from getting angry at my kids?

Sometimes I wonder if even Mother Teresa would have gotten frustrated at her kids now and then.  I don’t know one parent or caregiver out there (including myself) that does not get angry at his or her children from time to time.  We each have different triggers and we do not all get to the point of yelling (though most of us do at least sometimes) but frustration is part of being around children.  

I believe there is there a way to catch ourselves at the point of frustration before our top blows.  But like all worthwhile things in life, it takes time and practice.  The only way to have patience in life and in parenting is to experience the things that frustrate us and learn to deal constructively with them.

Our anger comes from more than just what our children do.  It usually builds up from other things too.  From work, other children’s behaviors or even past mishaps of the child you are frustrated with.  We need to recognize that those other issues are not the fault of our children.  We should not take out the frustrations we have for our boss or your spouse on our children.  They don’t deserve it. 

We are more likely to get angry with our children when we are over tired and/or they are exhausted.  If we can avoid over scheduling ourselves and our children, we might find that a lot of the times of anger will go away.  We will be more rested and therefore more able to stay calm.  So will our children.  Remember children need between 8-12 hours of sleep (more if they are young) and adults should be getting on average 8 hours, too.  If a children are beyond the napping phase of life, that does not mean they don’t need some “down” time.  It can make a world of difference. 

We may not be aware of how angry we seem to our children.  If we give our children permission to tell us when they feel we start to yell, it can make us more aware of our anger.  We can find a phrase that will not infuriate us even more and then make a promise to the children that when the phrase is said we will take a step back and reevaluate the way we are talking. 

That brings me to the next step.  When we find ourselves beginning to get angry, take an adult time out.  If it is safe we should walk away and be by ourselves for 5 min.  We should say something to our children but it is best to have a kind and loving phrase ready for when the time comes.  If we say what we are thinking, we may regret it later.  Try “I am beginning to get frustrated with you and need some time by myself to calm down.”  We then take those 5 minutes to breathe and remember how much we love them.  We think about all the other things that might be frustrating us and that we do not mean to take all that out on our child.  Then return better able to assess the situation. 

The really cool thing about this technique is that by taking a time out ourselves, our children will learn healthy and effective ways to deal with their anger.  They might even start doing the same. 

Teaching through Communication

Sneak Peek Friday

I am honored to have worked on the Academy of Coaching Parents International's HeartWise book called Parenting Responsively for Connection.  Along with 10 other ACPI Certified Parent and Family Coaches; I wrote the book to help parents answer some difficult parenting issues.  Every Friday this summer YOUR Parenting Question Blog will share a short excerpt from this book.  We hope that you find them information and helpful.  If you like what you read and you would like to order the E-book you may do so here at Strong Roots Family Coaching. 

 

Teaching through Communication

            Not only are we able to learn about each other’s days and become closer through sharing and listening at the family dinner table, but also as parents we can take advantage of being together with our children and creating natural, teachable moments.  

            Family dinners provide golden opportunities for our children to learn a variety of skills and to gain knowledge that will help them to achieve and succeed as they navigate in the real world.  The development of social skills, language and literacy skills, and even current event awareness- are all ingredients that contribute to success. It is amazing to think that all of this development can begin over a rich and savory plate of spaghetti while gathered around the table with family. 

            Modeling is a key factor in ensuring that our children’s young minds soak up the information and wisdom that we so desperately want to impart on them.  We must act the way we want our children to act and say things we want our children to say.  The development of social skills, for example, is influenced greatly through observing and interacting with others.  We often expect, however, certain behaviors of our children that we don’t always expect of ourselves. This serves as a critical reminder that our children are watching and listening to us 24/7.   Modeling appropriate table manners, for instance, is much more effective than constantly reminding and nagging our children into behaving. 

            We are our children’s teachers. Our children learn naturally by being around us (the apple does not fall far from the tree), yet there are some behaviors that need a little more nudging than others.  So how can we teach our children without losing our cool and sentencing them to their rooms for the 100^th time?  By following the proverbial saying, “Practice makes perfect.”  Yes, as funny as it may seem, we can practice the behaviors that we want our children to master.  Doing so provides for a fun and non-stressful way of teaching.  If we want our kids to chew with their mouth closed, for example, we can have our children pretend play with us when not at the dinner table.  This is less stressful for everyone and will help our children to model desirable behavior at dinnertime.  Remember though, if we really want our kids to keep their elbows off the table and to wait patiently for their turn to talk, then we better make sure our own elbows are off the table and that we are not interrupting our children.  I can recount more times than I would like to remember when I have asked my children to do (or not to do) something just to have my children tell me I am guilty of the same behavior! 

Sharon Egan M.S. CPC

ACPI Certified Parenting Coach

http://www.WhatNowParentCoach.com

Email: SharonEgan@WhatNowParentCoach.com

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