Potty Training the Older Child (part 1)

I had the privilege of writing for the e-book Parenting Responsively along with 11 other ACPI parent and family coaches.  Over the next few weeks I will be reprinting my chapter.  I hope you will enjoy it.  If you would like to order the entire book you may do so on my website for $9.99 - Strong Roots Family Coaching.  Enjoy

(View the previous post on Potty Training without the Power Struggle)

               If you have a child that is already over three and a half and you have been trying to potty train for some time without success, you are probably frustrated and out of ideas. Resist the temptation to beat yourself up; it will not help your child.  Today is a new day.  It is not too late to help your child potty train while keeping his dignity intact.  

                There is usually a window of potty training readiness that every child has.  This window starts after a child is both physically and emotionally ready and generally lasts between four to nine months.  A majority of children are physically ready to potty train by four years of age.  By this point, if your child has not shown you that he has bladder control, speak to his doctor because there could be a physical problem.  If he is able to control his bladder, the issue may be his emotional readiness.   This is no one’s fault.  Some children are simply more sensitive to using the toilet than others.

                If you are trying to “undo” a lot of negative feelings from past toileting experiences’, using a positive phrase is going to be one of the most important things you can do to encourage your child.  “I know you are trying so hard and someday you will be able to use the toilet all the time” will need to be repeated over and over in many different ways.  Be extra tender in your invitations for him to sit on the toilet.   Lots of love, encouragement and patience are the only way to get him emotionally ready to successfully toilet train.   

                Your child has a need for some control in his life and needs to be able make some decisions on his own.  If your child is not given the opportunity to make any choices, he will feel like his choices have been taken from him.  For some children, feeling like their choice was taken away can delay training. 

                There are a few things your child has complete control over in his life.  One is what he puts into his body.  You may offer your child different foods, but ultimately he chooses what he eats.  Another is what comes out. Remember, your child has complete control over when and where he puts his waste.  So, if you are engaged in a major power struggle with your child over potty training, try giving him more control over other things in his life.  If you are able to give him some of the control he needs, he will be more willing to allow you to guide him through the potty training process. 

                Giving him more choices in the potty training experience can also foster success.  Let him pick out what day he will start to wear underwear again, whether he uses a toilet chair or an insert, what videos or books he reads, and even which bathroom in the house he uses.  All of these little details seem insignificant to us, but to your child, making these choices could give him the sense of control he needs to cooperate in the training process.

                With understanding, sensitivity and compassion, your child will find the mental and emotional strength to use the toilet.  But what do you do when you have a child that has been potty trained for months or years, then suddenly begins having frequent accidents?

                There is a certain amount of bedwetting and accidents that will occur during the months after successfully potty training your child.  It is common and even normal for occasional nighttime accidents to occur several years after your child is fully potty trained.  Accidents may happen because of a change in diet or consuming large amounts of liquid before bed.   They can even happen as a result of a bad dream or stressful experience.  Most every child has at least a few nighttime accidents after being completely trained.

Please return next week (or subscribe to this blog) to hear the rest of the chapter on Potty Training without a Power Struggle

Transitioning your Child to Underpants (part 4)

I had the privilege of writing for the e-book Parenting Responsively along with 11 other ACPI parent and family coaches.  Over the next few weeks I will be reprinting my chapter.  I hope you will enjoy it.  If you would like to order the entire book you may do so on my website for $9.99 - Strong Roots Family Coaching.  Enjoy

(View the previous post on Potty Training without the Power Struggle)

Once you have gotten through day four and your child is consistently telling you when he has to urinate and have a bowel movement, you can consider the transition to underwear a success.  Unfortunately, there may still be a few bumps in the road ahead.  Every child is going to have accidents here and there. Stress in other areas of his life might set him back for a while.  Distractions like a game he is playing or watching TV may cause him to forget to listen to his body and result in an accident.  Don’t be alarmed when accidents occur and always stay positive, letting him know it is not his fault.  For the first few months “post training,” be sure to bring extra clothes with you when you are out just in case. 

                For boys, waiting until they are comfortable using the toilet sitting down before teaching them to use it standing up can prove beneficial.  Your child may choose to stand up from the beginning because he has seen dad or some other male to it that way. Doing so is certainly is easier in a lot of ways.  However, aiming is a learned skill that can best be taught by an older male. If a male is unavailable to teach this skill, you can put circle shaped cereal or little toilet training rings in the bowl to help your child master his aim.  Be sure to be persistent about encouraging him to aim into the bowl and ask your child to help you clean up when he misses. 

                Staying dry at night should happen naturally for your child.  As his body gets used to having control during the day, he will begin to unconsciously gain control at night.  I suggest keeping children in diapers at night for at least a month after he is potty trained during the day.  However, feel free to keep him in diapers as long as you need.  If your child fights you about putting diapers on for sleeping time once he has transitioned to underwear, try hard to respect his decision.  Remember potty training without a power struggle is about your child being in control of his body.  

                If your child is still sleeping in a crib once he's potty trained, now is the time to move him to a big bed. In a crib he has no freedom and is unable to safely get himself to a toilet if he feels the need to go.  Your child will then be forced to make a choice, to soil himself or to uncomfortably hold it in. You don’t want your child to have to make that choice.  Continue to keep your child in diapers at night as long as he is in a crib.  

Please return next week (or subscribe to this blog) to hear the rest of the chapter on Potty Training without a Power Struggle

Transitioning your Child to Underpants (part 3)

I had the privilege of writing for the e-book Parenting Responsively along with 11 other ACPI parent and family coaches.  Over the next few weeks I will be reprinting my chapter.  I hope you will enjoy it.  If you would like to order the entire book you may do so on my website for $9.99 - Strong Roots Family Coaching.  Enjoy

(View the previous post on Potty Training without the Power Struggle)

During "Project Underpants" you will know that your child is not emotionally ready if he is resisting the gentle encouragement to go sit on the toilet.  If a resistant child is forced to continue to wear underpants, a power struggle will ensue.   If your child waits until he is off the toilet and in underpants to urinate or have a bowel movement, he is likely not emotionally ready.  You will know your child is not physically ready if he tells you mid tinkle that he has to go or consistently goes on the way to the bathroom.  This tells you that he really wants to make it, but doesn’t yet completely understand the cues from his body.

                If you find yourself with a child that is not ready, do not feel bad or make your child feel bad about it. Instead, simply put his diapers back on and put the underpants away.  Stay positive and tell him you will try again when he is ready.  Continue to prepare him and look for the signs of readiness.  Wait at least a few weeks before trying again.  Your child might feel a little disappointed in himself and need some time to heal. 

                If by the end of day three your child is consistently telling you before he goes potty and makes it to the toilet most of the time, it’s time to move on to day four of “Project Underpants."  Today is the day you will venture out of the house, leaving the diapers behind.  Plan your departure for just after your child has used the toilet and be sure to take a few extra sets of clothes, a towel, wipes and some plastic bags with you.  You may even want to put one of the plastic bags down on the car seat to protect the seat and yourself from a difficult cleanup. Pick a place to go that is close by with a short drive.  Let him have fun and remind him regularly to tell you when he needs to go to the bathroom. 

                This first time you have an outing, pay close attention to your child and try to notice the signs he may have to go. When out and about, he will likely be more distracted than at home and may forget to listen to his body.  Having a positive experience in public can really keep him motivated.    Expecting that there will be an accident can help you remain upbeat.  If your child does have an accident, avoid talking to other people about it.  You can, however, encourage your child to tell people about his big NEWS, when he stays dry.

Please return next week (or subscribe to this blog) to hear the rest of the chapter on Potty Training without a Power Struggle

                 

Transitioning your Child to Underpants (part 2)

I had the privilege of writing for the e-book Parenting Responsively along with 11 other ACPI parent and family coaches.  Over the next few weeks I will be reprinting my chapter.  I hope you will enjoy it.  If you would like to order the entire book you may do so on my website for $9.99 - Strong Roots Family Coaching.  Enjoy

(View the previous post on Potty Training without the Power Struggle)

During day one of “Project Underpants” don’t remind your child to use the toilet or ask him if he has to go.   Just let him experience what life is like when wearing underwear.   If he tells you he needs to go, take him but don’t remind him in any way.  He will probably have many accidents on day one.  This is a beneficial experience for him.  He may have never felt what it is like to soil he and he’ll quickly realize that soiling is underwear does not feel the same as when he soils his diaper.  He needs to have the experience of being uncomfortable, so try to take your time changing his clothes and wait until he asks to be changed.  However, don’t let him stay in wet or dirty clothes for more than 10 min.  

                When an accident happens, be positive and non-judgmental.  You can respond, “Oh, you went tinkle, how does it feel to be wet?”  Have him help you clean up, put his dirty clothes in the hamper and choose new, dry clothes.  Go back to what you were doing and give a gentle reminder that when he has to go again, he can tell you and you will take him to put it in the toilet. 

                Allowing your child to go without pants for a few hours on day one can speed up his discovery process.  If he sees himself having an accident he will be able to connect that with the feeling he had immediately before going. 

                During naptime and at nighttime I highly recommend using diapers or pull-ups.  Sleep training occurs long after daytime training in most children.  Even if your child consistently has a dry diaper when he wakes from a nap and in the morning, keep him in a diaper a little longer.  To him learning to use the toilet feels like his whole world is changing. Regression in this area is common during the transition to underpants.   

                During the potty training process, children are bound to have accidents. The added stress and frustration of having to change bedclothes is something you don’t need and your child doesn't need to witness. When a child wets the bed, it can cause him emotional stress. Avoiding added stress during the potty training process can promote success.  If you explain to your child ahead of time that he will still wear diapers when he sleeps, it won’t be confusing to him. 

                Day two of “Project Underpants” starts off the same way as day one.  Put underpants on your child and let him go about his day at home. The difference today will be that instead of keeping silent, you are going to remind your child every 45 minutes to tell you when he has to go tinkle so you can put it in the toilet.  Don’t ask him if he wants to go or tell him it’s time to go, just ask him to listen to his body and tell you when it’s time.  Using this method, I have witnessed several children potty train by the end of day two. 

                Day three of “Project Underpants” starts off the same as day two, with a little added encouragement.   On this day, watch for the signs your child is about to urinate or defecate and remind him to sit on the toilet, especially when he is distracted by what he is doing and is less likely to be listening to his body.  By the end of day three you will know for sure if your child is really physically and emotionally ready to wear underpants full time.

Please return next week (or subscribe to this blog) to hear the rest of the chapter on Potty Training without a Power Struggle