Why does my child say hurtful things to me?

If your children can talk there is a chance they have said something to you that has hurt your feelings.  It could be as simple and innocent as a toddler telling you they think you have a “big tummy” or as intentional and mean spirited as your 14 year old telling you she wishes she belonged to a different family. 
 

There are a lot of reasons our children say these things.  Often time’s children don’t understand social cues and politeness, as in the case with the toddler telling you your “tummy” is big.  He honestly did not know adults don’t like to be told they are big.  Adults are always telling children they are “so big” so it seems like a compliment to him.  In this case a non-judging explanation of why mommies don’t like to be called “big” should do the trick.  At least until the next social cue gets messed up. 

But what about the 2 – 6 year old that tell you they don’t love you anymore.  What is going on with him?  I always like to start with us – the parents.  Examine your own speech around your child.  Maybe you talk to a spouse a lot like your child is talking to you.  Maybe you talk to other people or even to your child in that way.  You cannot expect your child to use nice words when he hears the mean words from the people closest to him. 

Beyond the words we use, there are two possible reasons for a child’s use of hurtful phrases.  One reason could be that there is “hurt” in him that needs to come out. The second could be that there is a need; physical or emotional that is not being met. 

First let’s talk about the “hurt” that could be inside your child.  Children (and adults) have a certain capacity to deal with painful events.  A child's capacity is much smaller.  So when a child feels emotionally or physically hurt it has to go somewhere.  A great outlet for this pain to go is to the people he loves the most – lucky parents.  In order to help your child with this you need to know that he needs help letting out the pain.  Talk with him in a loving way; don’t disrupt the frustration he feels.  Allow him to cry about things that upset him and validate his feelings.  Don’t repay his anger for your anger but use your words to show him how he should talk.   

Next is the physical or emotional need that is not being met. Now I don’t want parents to think I am suggesting you are willingly withholding something your child needs.  When it comes to the emotional needs of both toddlers and teenagers it can be like putting a 1000 piece puzzle together when you are missing half the pieces. 

Look to see if there are physical issues at hand.  Is the child over-tired, over-stimulated, over-scheduled, hungry or thirsty?  Next you look to the emotional needs.  Have there been any changes recently in your child’s life; new school, caregiver, mom or dad away more or even a big change coming up?  Have you been able to spend less one on one time with your child lately?  Has there been inconsistency?  These could point to an emotional need that is not being filled.  Work to fill that need and you just might hear fewer mean words directed toward you. 

Sometimes no matter how hard you try, you will never understand the feelings of your 3 year old, and I can guarantee you will never fully understand what is going on the head of your 14 year old.  But as their parents, it is our responsibility to try.  Sometimes that is all that they really need; someone trying to listen and understand what their needs are. 

Embracing Accidental Routines

Sneak Peek Friday

I am honored to have worked on the Academy of Coaching Parents International's HeartWise book called Parenting Responsively for Connection.  Along with 10 other ACPI Certified Parent and Family Coaches; I wrote the book to help parents answer some difficult parenting issues.  Every Friday this summer YOUR Parenting Question Blog will share a short excerpt from this book.  We hope that you find them information and helpful.  If you like what you read and you would like to order the E-book you may do so here at Strong Roots Family Coaching. 

Embracing Accidental Routines

            A couple of years ago I figured out that I really needed a place to write notes that wouldn’t accidently get thrown away.  I decided that putting up a white board in my office would be the perfect solution.  I went all out.  I bought vibrant colored dry erase markers and an eraser.  Brilliant! 

            Two seconds after my board was up on the wall my sons found it.  My clean white board was instantly filled with stick figures running, dogs jumping and super space machines flying through the sky.  When they were done and had finished leaving their marks on my board, I picked up the eraser and swiped them away without giving it a second thought.  Then I noticed at the very bottom of the board in messy handwriting, were the words, “I love Mom.”  I stopped my arm from completing the last swipe and instead of erasing those precious words, I picked up a vibrant blue marker and made a protective “Do not remove” circle around them.  Those words made me smile.  I then picked up the red marker and wrote in the upper right-hand corner of my board, “I love Hayden and Eric!”

            Day after day our messages to each other became more ornate and quickly filled up the board.  Not wanting to erase any of my messages, I decided to take a picture of the board - and a new routine was born. We all became more and more creative as time went by with our messages: 

“Mom rocks!”

“You did great on your test today, Eric!”

“I am so proud of you guys!”

“Mom is the best!”

“We need mayonnaise, Mom!”

Kareen Hannon

ACPI Certified Coach for Parents

http://socialinternetsolutions.com/kareenhannon

Email: Kareenhannon@gmail.com

Page 57

How can I get my son to not be afraid to go in the basement?

When I was a child, my grandmother had an unfinished basement that was used for storage and laundry.  I spent hours down there because this laundry was one of those old fashioned wringer-washer where the clothes had to be put manually thorough the cycles.  My grandmother had a swing down there for us, and I loved that area of the basement.  However, I was terrified to go more than 5 feet away from the laundry and the swing.  It was scary down there: boxes, old furniture and lots of other stuff.  Looking back, that fear seems ridiculous to me, but as a 8 year old it felt valid. 

Children’s fears are real.  They may seem silly to us big people but these fears are often all children can think about.  When children express a fear to a parent, most of us would try to explain that there is nothing to be scared of, ignore the fear or make them go in the room to show him there is nothing to be afraid of.  

Instead I suggest you sit your child down and validate his fear.  He cannot be “talked” out of it.  What you can do is teach your child that you will not ignore the fear but will do your best to understand it.  “I see that you are afraid of going in that room.  I know the room is dark and there are lots of boxes in it. It can seem scary to go in places that you are not used to.  Maybe you are afraid something is in there.  What do you think might happen if you go in there?”  Try to not put ideas in his head that were not there, but think about what the room might look like from your child’s perspective.  Are there bugs in there, did he watch something on TV that might have contributed to the fear? 

Though telling your child there is nothing to be afraid of might come from a place of love, he might understand it to mean there is something wrong with him.  Be patient and understanding.   Let your child know that you will go with him into the place when HE is ready. 

The Power of Your Influence

Sneak Peek Friday

I am honored to have worked on the Academy of Coaching Parents International's HeartWise book called Parenting Responsively for Connection.  Along with 10 other ACPI Certified Parent and Family Coaches; I wrote the book to help parents answer some difficult parenting issues.  Every Friday this summer YOUR Parenting Question Blog will share a short excerpt from this book.  We hope that you find them information and helpful.  If you like what you read and you would like to order the E-book you may do so here at Strong Roots Family Coaching.  

The Power of Your Influence

            Honestly, I promise you it's true.  Had it not happened to me personally, I would only think it happens on television (like on America’s Funniest Home Videos) or in movies to bring laughter to the audience. Can you picture this? Walking to the library, hand in hand with a two year old child, and kerplunk, amazed by the happenings in the parking lot construction area, she loses her focus, steps over the coned-off barrier directly into wet cement. Yes, we are both covered in cement. While in the moment, I didn't know whether to laugh or cry, I did know that how I responded would significantly affect how my child responded. 

            My immediate response was, "Whoops a daisy" followed by "Hmm, sweetheart I think we’ll need to wait to go into the library. We'll go back home and clean up a bit and then come back".

            Waiting to see her response, I wasn't surprised that she too was completely calm and amazed at what had happened. But she was also curious, and lifted up her hand to take a closer look at the cement. When I could see she was eager and ready to taste it, I responded with a calm  "no, babe we don’t eat that, it’s all sorts of dirt and we need to clean it off," and was able to redirect her focus to going home to get cleaned up.

            We headed back to the car, prepared to take off her coat and pants to avoid making a mess of her car seat. At this point, I was laughing so hard and half in shock about what had happened, I couldn't stop. In between hysterics, I gently explained step by step, what I was about to do (because of course she's never been in the car sans pants!) and you know what? While she wasn't laughing, she was okay with it.

            While some children may have responded in tears, upset that they had to leave the library and distressed over being covered in dirty, gloppy cement, she was okay with it. Why? Because she knew I was okay.

            Now, I could have responded differently. In fact, inside, I probably wanted to. If I had freaked out and responded in an upset and excitable manner, the situation would have worsened. Fortunately, because I was aware that my reaction would impact her reaction, I kept it light hearted, matter of fact and as a result, was able to prevent a bad situation from getting worse.

            In times of unexpected situations or stressful times, how do you react? What example are you setting for your child based on your reaction? Can you find humor when things go wrong? Are you calm in the midst of it all?

            Each and every time you find yourself in a less than ideal situation, you have the opportunity to build good character in your child simply based on your response.

Lesa Day

ACPI Certified Coach

lesaday.com

Email: YesICan@LesaDay.com

Page 44

How do I encourage my children to be cautious of strangers but not terrified of them?

The dangers of the world are all around us.  You can see it in every newscast, newspaper and magazine; well pretty much everywhere you go.  The days of sending our children outside after school and not hearing from them until dinner are unfortunately long gone in most places.  We want to keep our children safe from harm but we all know that we cannot be with them 24/7.  It is our goal to train them to keep themselves safe, be aware of their surroundings and stay away from people that should not be trusted.

This is a wise and worthy goal, but it is possible for us to go too far and make our children paranoid of every adult, animal and child that they come close to.  So how can we help our children develop a healthy and cautious view of the world around?

 

All children have different temperaments and some may be more sensitive to strangers than others.  But we can start teaching them to not be frightened of every new person by having calm and even emotions when we meet someone new.  Our body language could be sending our children mixed signals.  It is amazing how easily even young children can pick up on our physical cues in these kinds of situations.  When we meet someone new we should be cautious without becoming tense and scared.  If we do our children are more likely to be cautious but friendly as well. 

Knowing that our children pick up on our cues, we should introduce them to new people but not make them get close to or even give a handshake to people they are uncomfortable with.  By allowing our children to choose when and how they show affection, we are reinforcing their sense of self.  This will help them gain the self-confidence to judge for themselves who is safe and who is not quite right. 

Children are born being able to evaluate when something feels right and when it feels wrong.  Little children naturally run to the safety of parents when they hear a loud noise because they sense the noise represents danger. Far too often this natural sense of self is picked apart when we do not understand, reassure and support their assessment of the situation.  What we end up doing is making them act in a way that makes them uncomfortable.  This will eventually lead to a child who has been conditioned to not trust his or her gut. I think we can all agree, there will come a time we want our children to make the right decisions about who is trustworthy and who is not. 

The way to get our children to trust their gut is to validate the feeling they have.  This means that we tell our children that it is okay for them to be afraid and that you understand it. We don’t tell our children why they should NOT be afraid of it and we especially do not say that there is nothing to be afraid of.  That tells our children there is something wrong with him or her.   

“Ellie, I can tell that you are uncomfortable with that man I introduced you to.  Meeting new people can be stressful because we don’t know if they will be nice to us or mean.  You need to be respectful to new people, but you do not need to get close to them or shake their hand if you feel worried.” 

Your children may react in an anxious way when meeting someone, but they will take their biggest cues from your reaction to the person.  By validating the fear and showing your children how to treat people considerately your child will learn how to be aware of the world without being terrified of it. 

Family rules based on your values

Sneak Peek Friday

I am honored to have worked on the Academy of Coaching Parents International's HeartWise book called Parenting Responsively for Connection. Along with 10 other ACPI Certified Parent and Family Coaches; I wrote the book to help parents answer some difficult parenting issues. Every Friday this summer YOUR Parenting Question Blog will share a short excerpt from this book. We hope that you find them information and helpful. If you like what you read and you would like to order the E-book you may do so here at Strong Roots Family Coaching.

Create your family-rules based on your values and as a family

Once you have identified your list of values, sit down with your children who are old enough to understand and come up with the rules together. Children, as young as 3, understand simple rules of right and wrong. Teaching them where to put their lunchbox, shoes and coat each day when they walk in the door is a simple place to begin. Or modeling cleaning up the playroom together at the end of each day is another example of instilling values and rules at an early age. If your children are still young, you will want to make sure that you participate in these activities with them. Model how to take off your shoes at the back door or hanging up your coat rather than laying it on a chair. Do a "Power 15" to fun music to clean up all the toys. There are several reasons why doing these things together and talking about them as a family are important, even for young ones. First, it models planning, discussion and conversation skills and teaches your children the value of open communication. Second, it makes your children feel like important, valued members of the family. They will feel loved and respected by your allowing them to participate in these discussions. Finally, because they helped to create the rules and did not have them dictated to them, they will feel more invested in following the rules.

 

I was talking to a mom recently who has two boys, ages 6 and 8. The older son has taken on more responsibility around the house and feels very important and values. She realized the younger son was acting out and misbehaving because he did not share those feelings. He did not know what his "role" in the family was. She realized that he needed a job to call his own so that he would feel valued and respected like his older brother. It may sound like she was treating them differently, but she wasn't loving one more than the other or giving one more privileges than the other. What she realized was that she had given the older son more responsibility because he was capable of doing more. She was treating her younger son like a baby, but he needed to be treated like an equal. One simple shift to creating a simple weekly chore for her 6-year-old to call his own, empowered him and made him feel important. Simple actions and conversations like this one boost self-worth and self-reliance in our children. If we want our children to be independent and resilient, we have to create opportunities at home for them to practice.

Dr. Minette Riordan

ACPI Certified Parenting Coach and Trainer

http://www.minetteriordan.com

Email: Minette@NorthTexasKids.com

Page 38

How can I prepare my child for disasters without scaring her?

On September 11, 2011 I was caring for 3 boys when the disaster struck. Mom and Dad were out of the country so I was their sole caregiver for several days. Dealing with my own emotions as well as their questions and concerns was not easy. However, going through this experience taught me a few things about how to discuss tragedy with children and how to prepare them for disaster without terrifying them.

It is not hard to find news of disasters in this county and across the globe. These tragic events present an ideal opportunity to talk to your child about being prepared for disasters. One big mistake you can make as a parent or caregiver is to hide the news from your child. She has a strong ability to sense the emotions and moods of the people close to her. Your child is likely to overhear things you say or are listening to without you ever knowing it. She will then know something is wrong, but without the whole story and a calm explanation of the events her imagination may run wild.

The best thing you can do to help your child deal with her emotions after a tragedy is to use simple words to explain the events. “There was a really bad storm in Missouri called a tornado. Some people’s houses got knocked down. Some people even got hurt. But the doctors are working hard to make them all better. It can be scary to hear about other people that got hurt.”

Using these types of sentences explain enough to your child without giving the scary details that might have lasting effects. Don’t go into more detail than your child needs to know but don’t avoid the conversation or try to distract her. Knowing your child’s age and level of understanding will help you find the right words.

Your child probably tends to immediately relate everything she hears to how it will affect her. For this reason your child might be worried that a big storm will knock down her house. Try hard not to discredit this thought because the truth is she is right, disasters happen everywhere. Instead use this as an opportunity to work with your child and put together a plan for if the worst does happen. Doing this can really help her feel powerful and prepared. It also means that she is more likely to actually remember what the plan of action is and use it if the worst does happen.

You can put together a plan for many events from tornadoes to fires and other disasters. With your child, draw and color a map of your house. Have her find at least two “safe” ways to get out of the house from every room. As a family pick a “home base” to meet once out safely. While looking at the map, find the safe places in the house to go if there is a tornado and put together an emergency box for these situations with your child.

Don’t forget to utilize community “safety” events. Many police and fire stations offer fun days where your child can learn about what to do in emergency situations. The key is to go with her and discuss what was learned after. Working with your child to prepare your family will give her added sense of control even in the unknown. And it will give you the peace of mind that your child knows where to go and what to do in an emergency.

This article originally aired on Regarding Nannies in June of 2011