Embracing Accidental Routines

Sneak Peek Friday

I am honored to have worked on the Academy of Coaching Parents International's HeartWise book called Parenting Responsively for Connection.  Along with 10 other ACPI Certified Parent and Family Coaches; I wrote the book to help parents answer some difficult parenting issues.  Every Friday this summer YOUR Parenting Question Blog will share a short excerpt from this book.  We hope that you find them information and helpful.  If you like what you read and you would like to order the E-book you may do so here at Strong Roots Family Coaching. 

Embracing Accidental Routines

            A couple of years ago I figured out that I really needed a place to write notes that wouldn’t accidently get thrown away.  I decided that putting up a white board in my office would be the perfect solution.  I went all out.  I bought vibrant colored dry erase markers and an eraser.  Brilliant! 

            Two seconds after my board was up on the wall my sons found it.  My clean white board was instantly filled with stick figures running, dogs jumping and super space machines flying through the sky.  When they were done and had finished leaving their marks on my board, I picked up the eraser and swiped them away without giving it a second thought.  Then I noticed at the very bottom of the board in messy handwriting, were the words, “I love Mom.”  I stopped my arm from completing the last swipe and instead of erasing those precious words, I picked up a vibrant blue marker and made a protective “Do not remove” circle around them.  Those words made me smile.  I then picked up the red marker and wrote in the upper right-hand corner of my board, “I love Hayden and Eric!”

            Day after day our messages to each other became more ornate and quickly filled up the board.  Not wanting to erase any of my messages, I decided to take a picture of the board - and a new routine was born. We all became more and more creative as time went by with our messages: 

“Mom rocks!”

“You did great on your test today, Eric!”

“I am so proud of you guys!”

“Mom is the best!”

“We need mayonnaise, Mom!”

Kareen Hannon

ACPI Certified Coach for Parents

http://socialinternetsolutions.com/kareenhannon

Email: Kareenhannon@gmail.com

Page 57

How can I get my son to not be afraid to go in the basement?

When I was a child, my grandmother had an unfinished basement that was used for storage and laundry.  I spent hours down there because this laundry was one of those old fashioned wringer-washer where the clothes had to be put manually thorough the cycles.  My grandmother had a swing down there for us, and I loved that area of the basement.  However, I was terrified to go more than 5 feet away from the laundry and the swing.  It was scary down there: boxes, old furniture and lots of other stuff.  Looking back, that fear seems ridiculous to me, but as a 8 year old it felt valid. 

Children’s fears are real.  They may seem silly to us big people but these fears are often all children can think about.  When children express a fear to a parent, most of us would try to explain that there is nothing to be scared of, ignore the fear or make them go in the room to show him there is nothing to be afraid of.  

Instead I suggest you sit your child down and validate his fear.  He cannot be “talked” out of it.  What you can do is teach your child that you will not ignore the fear but will do your best to understand it.  “I see that you are afraid of going in that room.  I know the room is dark and there are lots of boxes in it. It can seem scary to go in places that you are not used to.  Maybe you are afraid something is in there.  What do you think might happen if you go in there?”  Try to not put ideas in his head that were not there, but think about what the room might look like from your child’s perspective.  Are there bugs in there, did he watch something on TV that might have contributed to the fear? 

Though telling your child there is nothing to be afraid of might come from a place of love, he might understand it to mean there is something wrong with him.  Be patient and understanding.   Let your child know that you will go with him into the place when HE is ready. 

The Power of Your Influence

Sneak Peek Friday

I am honored to have worked on the Academy of Coaching Parents International's HeartWise book called Parenting Responsively for Connection.  Along with 10 other ACPI Certified Parent and Family Coaches; I wrote the book to help parents answer some difficult parenting issues.  Every Friday this summer YOUR Parenting Question Blog will share a short excerpt from this book.  We hope that you find them information and helpful.  If you like what you read and you would like to order the E-book you may do so here at Strong Roots Family Coaching.  

The Power of Your Influence

            Honestly, I promise you it's true.  Had it not happened to me personally, I would only think it happens on television (like on America’s Funniest Home Videos) or in movies to bring laughter to the audience. Can you picture this? Walking to the library, hand in hand with a two year old child, and kerplunk, amazed by the happenings in the parking lot construction area, she loses her focus, steps over the coned-off barrier directly into wet cement. Yes, we are both covered in cement. While in the moment, I didn't know whether to laugh or cry, I did know that how I responded would significantly affect how my child responded. 

            My immediate response was, "Whoops a daisy" followed by "Hmm, sweetheart I think we’ll need to wait to go into the library. We'll go back home and clean up a bit and then come back".

            Waiting to see her response, I wasn't surprised that she too was completely calm and amazed at what had happened. But she was also curious, and lifted up her hand to take a closer look at the cement. When I could see she was eager and ready to taste it, I responded with a calm  "no, babe we don’t eat that, it’s all sorts of dirt and we need to clean it off," and was able to redirect her focus to going home to get cleaned up.

            We headed back to the car, prepared to take off her coat and pants to avoid making a mess of her car seat. At this point, I was laughing so hard and half in shock about what had happened, I couldn't stop. In between hysterics, I gently explained step by step, what I was about to do (because of course she's never been in the car sans pants!) and you know what? While she wasn't laughing, she was okay with it.

            While some children may have responded in tears, upset that they had to leave the library and distressed over being covered in dirty, gloppy cement, she was okay with it. Why? Because she knew I was okay.

            Now, I could have responded differently. In fact, inside, I probably wanted to. If I had freaked out and responded in an upset and excitable manner, the situation would have worsened. Fortunately, because I was aware that my reaction would impact her reaction, I kept it light hearted, matter of fact and as a result, was able to prevent a bad situation from getting worse.

            In times of unexpected situations or stressful times, how do you react? What example are you setting for your child based on your reaction? Can you find humor when things go wrong? Are you calm in the midst of it all?

            Each and every time you find yourself in a less than ideal situation, you have the opportunity to build good character in your child simply based on your response.

Lesa Day

ACPI Certified Coach

lesaday.com

Email: YesICan@LesaDay.com

Page 44

How do I encourage my children to be cautious of strangers but not terrified of them?

The dangers of the world are all around us.  You can see it in every newscast, newspaper and magazine; well pretty much everywhere you go.  The days of sending our children outside after school and not hearing from them until dinner are unfortunately long gone in most places.  We want to keep our children safe from harm but we all know that we cannot be with them 24/7.  It is our goal to train them to keep themselves safe, be aware of their surroundings and stay away from people that should not be trusted.

This is a wise and worthy goal, but it is possible for us to go too far and make our children paranoid of every adult, animal and child that they come close to.  So how can we help our children develop a healthy and cautious view of the world around?

 

All children have different temperaments and some may be more sensitive to strangers than others.  But we can start teaching them to not be frightened of every new person by having calm and even emotions when we meet someone new.  Our body language could be sending our children mixed signals.  It is amazing how easily even young children can pick up on our physical cues in these kinds of situations.  When we meet someone new we should be cautious without becoming tense and scared.  If we do our children are more likely to be cautious but friendly as well. 

Knowing that our children pick up on our cues, we should introduce them to new people but not make them get close to or even give a handshake to people they are uncomfortable with.  By allowing our children to choose when and how they show affection, we are reinforcing their sense of self.  This will help them gain the self-confidence to judge for themselves who is safe and who is not quite right. 

Children are born being able to evaluate when something feels right and when it feels wrong.  Little children naturally run to the safety of parents when they hear a loud noise because they sense the noise represents danger. Far too often this natural sense of self is picked apart when we do not understand, reassure and support their assessment of the situation.  What we end up doing is making them act in a way that makes them uncomfortable.  This will eventually lead to a child who has been conditioned to not trust his or her gut. I think we can all agree, there will come a time we want our children to make the right decisions about who is trustworthy and who is not. 

The way to get our children to trust their gut is to validate the feeling they have.  This means that we tell our children that it is okay for them to be afraid and that you understand it. We don’t tell our children why they should NOT be afraid of it and we especially do not say that there is nothing to be afraid of.  That tells our children there is something wrong with him or her.   

“Ellie, I can tell that you are uncomfortable with that man I introduced you to.  Meeting new people can be stressful because we don’t know if they will be nice to us or mean.  You need to be respectful to new people, but you do not need to get close to them or shake their hand if you feel worried.” 

Your children may react in an anxious way when meeting someone, but they will take their biggest cues from your reaction to the person.  By validating the fear and showing your children how to treat people considerately your child will learn how to be aware of the world without being terrified of it. 

Family rules based on your values

Sneak Peek Friday

I am honored to have worked on the Academy of Coaching Parents International's HeartWise book called Parenting Responsively for Connection. Along with 10 other ACPI Certified Parent and Family Coaches; I wrote the book to help parents answer some difficult parenting issues. Every Friday this summer YOUR Parenting Question Blog will share a short excerpt from this book. We hope that you find them information and helpful. If you like what you read and you would like to order the E-book you may do so here at Strong Roots Family Coaching.

Create your family-rules based on your values and as a family

Once you have identified your list of values, sit down with your children who are old enough to understand and come up with the rules together. Children, as young as 3, understand simple rules of right and wrong. Teaching them where to put their lunchbox, shoes and coat each day when they walk in the door is a simple place to begin. Or modeling cleaning up the playroom together at the end of each day is another example of instilling values and rules at an early age. If your children are still young, you will want to make sure that you participate in these activities with them. Model how to take off your shoes at the back door or hanging up your coat rather than laying it on a chair. Do a "Power 15" to fun music to clean up all the toys. There are several reasons why doing these things together and talking about them as a family are important, even for young ones. First, it models planning, discussion and conversation skills and teaches your children the value of open communication. Second, it makes your children feel like important, valued members of the family. They will feel loved and respected by your allowing them to participate in these discussions. Finally, because they helped to create the rules and did not have them dictated to them, they will feel more invested in following the rules.

 

I was talking to a mom recently who has two boys, ages 6 and 8. The older son has taken on more responsibility around the house and feels very important and values. She realized the younger son was acting out and misbehaving because he did not share those feelings. He did not know what his "role" in the family was. She realized that he needed a job to call his own so that he would feel valued and respected like his older brother. It may sound like she was treating them differently, but she wasn't loving one more than the other or giving one more privileges than the other. What she realized was that she had given the older son more responsibility because he was capable of doing more. She was treating her younger son like a baby, but he needed to be treated like an equal. One simple shift to creating a simple weekly chore for her 6-year-old to call his own, empowered him and made him feel important. Simple actions and conversations like this one boost self-worth and self-reliance in our children. If we want our children to be independent and resilient, we have to create opportunities at home for them to practice.

Dr. Minette Riordan

ACPI Certified Parenting Coach and Trainer

http://www.minetteriordan.com

Email: Minette@NorthTexasKids.com

Page 38

How can I prepare my child for disasters without scaring her?

On September 11, 2011 I was caring for 3 boys when the disaster struck. Mom and Dad were out of the country so I was their sole caregiver for several days. Dealing with my own emotions as well as their questions and concerns was not easy. However, going through this experience taught me a few things about how to discuss tragedy with children and how to prepare them for disaster without terrifying them.

It is not hard to find news of disasters in this county and across the globe. These tragic events present an ideal opportunity to talk to your child about being prepared for disasters. One big mistake you can make as a parent or caregiver is to hide the news from your child. She has a strong ability to sense the emotions and moods of the people close to her. Your child is likely to overhear things you say or are listening to without you ever knowing it. She will then know something is wrong, but without the whole story and a calm explanation of the events her imagination may run wild.

The best thing you can do to help your child deal with her emotions after a tragedy is to use simple words to explain the events. “There was a really bad storm in Missouri called a tornado. Some people’s houses got knocked down. Some people even got hurt. But the doctors are working hard to make them all better. It can be scary to hear about other people that got hurt.”

Using these types of sentences explain enough to your child without giving the scary details that might have lasting effects. Don’t go into more detail than your child needs to know but don’t avoid the conversation or try to distract her. Knowing your child’s age and level of understanding will help you find the right words.

Your child probably tends to immediately relate everything she hears to how it will affect her. For this reason your child might be worried that a big storm will knock down her house. Try hard not to discredit this thought because the truth is she is right, disasters happen everywhere. Instead use this as an opportunity to work with your child and put together a plan for if the worst does happen. Doing this can really help her feel powerful and prepared. It also means that she is more likely to actually remember what the plan of action is and use it if the worst does happen.

You can put together a plan for many events from tornadoes to fires and other disasters. With your child, draw and color a map of your house. Have her find at least two “safe” ways to get out of the house from every room. As a family pick a “home base” to meet once out safely. While looking at the map, find the safe places in the house to go if there is a tornado and put together an emergency box for these situations with your child.

Don’t forget to utilize community “safety” events. Many police and fire stations offer fun days where your child can learn about what to do in emergency situations. The key is to go with her and discuss what was learned after. Working with your child to prepare your family will give her added sense of control even in the unknown. And it will give you the peace of mind that your child knows where to go and what to do in an emergency.

This article originally aired on Regarding Nannies in June of 2011

Love in a Nutshell

Sneak Peek Friday

I am honored to have worked on the Academy of Coaching Parents International's HeartWise book called Parenting Responsively for Connection. Along with 10 other ACPI Certified Parent and Family Coaches, I wrote the book to help parents answer some difficult parenting issues. Every Friday this summer YOUR Parenting Question Blog will share a short excerpt from this book. We hope that you find them information and helpful. If you like what you read and you would like to order the E-book you may do so here at Strong Roots Family Coaching.

Love in a Nutshell

We start on our parenting journey with the great expectation of having unconditional love for our children, but honestly, giving unconditional love is easier for some parents than it is for others. From the moment a mother feels a kick in her womb or sees an ultrasound picture of her growing baby, she may fall in love. For other parents, that love may not blossom until their baby is born. And for some, this magical moment happens way after their baby is born. Regardless of when a parent falls in love with her baby, her love is timeless because love is timeless. It’s never too early or too late for a human being to love.

Most of us would agree that we have the expectation that parents should unconditionally love their children. That's the idea we've grown up with. In fact it's more than an idea. It's the ideal. However, I wonder whether we all act out of unconditional love each time we interact with our children.

When this idea of unconditional love is not reflected in our behavior, love is degraded to being only a concept. Thinking ‘I love my child’ but acting unloving while catering to his needs is a situation where love becomes only a concept. My earlier example about my parents’ declaration of their love for me to others without a direct act towards me is a good example of love being reduced to a concept.

As parents, we sometimes have the idea of parental love in our minds but forget to translate this into meaningful expressions of love towards our children. Thinking love and showing love are clearly two different things.

Sedef Orsel

ACPI Certified Coach for Parents & Families

http://www.coachsedef.com

Email: sedef@coachsedef.com

Page 27

Teenagers, Gratitude and Peer-pressure

I know as parents and caregivers it is agonizing to watch your teenager have little respect and gratitude for you and others, however there are a lot of concerns facing our kids today.  We would do well to understand and empathize with these a little better.   

Peer pressure makes more of an impact on children as they get into the pre-teen and teenage years and this pressure cannot be underestimated.  There are going to be times that your child neglects using courteous words and tone in order to fit in and not bring attention to himself.  For better or worse, this is a stress on his life that we parents and caregivers need to support him through.  Try to remember when you were your child’s age.  Weren’t there things you did or did not do just to “blend in?”  Requiring your child to use the words “please” and “thank you” will only add to their stress, especially when done in public. 

Instead seek out and welcome the moments when your child does show gratitude.  I bet that if you really look you could find hints that he is appreciative or at least has moments where he is.  You need to embrace these moments and accept them for what they are then work to continue to provide an atmosphere where your child is seeing gratitude in action. 

In the end, even with teenagers, this is the most effective way to teach your child to be polite and grateful.  When you talk to everyone you meet with sweetness and civility, your child will begin to treat people that way too.  As you explain to your child why you say thank you to others, he will understand why it is the right thing to do even if he doesn’t always act accordingly. 

Ironically, speaking with teenagers is, at times, the most difficult time for parents to model polite behavior.  But is also the most important time to do so. 

To read my previous posts about teaching children to be polite please see: “How do I teach my children to be polite” and “How do I teach my teenager to be polite”