I choose Joy

 A few years ago my husband and I embarked on a journey; a journey in adoption.  I wanted to share that journey with you. 

January 4, 2009

So it has been a few weeks since I last blogged about our impending adoption of a now nine month old girl. With out giving more information than I should about this sensitive subject on a public blog, I will just say that the “red” tape is taking a long time.

We had hoped that on the 29th of December it would be over and we would get to start seeing baby G, but it looks like we will need to wait a bit longer. This information came to us this past Friday, while I was working. I was told it would likely be at LEAST another 3 weeks until we are able to see baby G. I had, after getting good news on Tuesday gotten my hopes up, way up. Whether or not that was a mistake to jump to some conclusions does not matter at this point. But it has made me a little sad again. And it has made me reflect on my thoughts a little more closely.

Through this entire event my wonderful friends and family have tried very hard to find the right words to help me. I absolutely love that I have such faithful friends. It means so much to me to have them ask questions, listen and seek to say something to make me feel better. The best thing anyone can say to me is that it is okay to feel exactly how I feel. So often in this process I have felt guilt from within that I should be stronger or more patient. In my head I believe that I should not be so angry or upset or sad. The most helpful thing any family member or friend can do is to listen and tell me it’s okay to feel the way I feel. Somehow when someone says that, I genuinely feel better. The pain, anger or sadness seems to soften a little.

So this past weekend, I have been thinking. I do have moments of sadness of anger and of frustration? But there are other moments too. When I can, I am going to opt for joy. Joy is not happiness. It can not always be felt, sometimes it must be selected. Joy is a hopeful response to the evil things in life. So when we experience set backs in this adoption, in this life we can have joy even when we are sad, distraught and depressed. It’s okay for me to have a day where all I want to do is cry. But I can opt for joy as well.